New hotel bringing concerts, 'pet crocodile,' ass-grabbing to south Minneapolis

Moxy Hotel is scheduled to open in Minneapolis on January 15; the city of Minneapolis is scheduled to be destroyed in an orgy the following week.

Moxy Hotel is scheduled to open in Minneapolis on January 15; the city of Minneapolis is scheduled to be destroyed in an orgy the following week. Moxy Instagram

The people behind the new Moxy Hotel in south Minneapolis cannot guarantee, in writing, that you will have sex if you stay in their hotel.

But they sure are trying to imply it.

Here's how Moxy's website copy sells itself to potential customers seeking Minneapolis lodging:

"Rock out in our Vinyl Listening Lounge and take your pick of craft beers, a pet crocodile, lowriders and a garage door that opens up to 3,000 miles of the best bike paths and block parties in the Northern Hemisphere. Challenge our Moxy Crew to a shuffleboard game before we go double-or-nothing on a foosball match. Winner gets to swing from the chandeliers! Bounce down Uptown for more local beers and indie dining before sleeping it off in our softer-than-a-woolly-mammoth wonder bed. In the morning, we’ll communicate through facial expressions only - promise. We hope to see you get down #atthemoxy Minneapolis Uptown soon!"

Awesome! We would also like to yell, now! How soon?! 

The Lake Street branch of the Marriott brand consciously aimed at the chic-and-sexy set will open on January 15. Its Instagram feed is just getting started. A few posts from the main Moxy account give some clues as to what you might encounter during a night at Moxy.

Or, anyway, what you can only hope you will encounter. Such as... 



Disembodied legs:


DO DISTURB. �� #atthemoxy || ��: @smallgirlbiglens

A post shared by Moxy Hotels (@moxyhotels) on

A butt:


It's always playtime if's, ands, or BUTTS about it. �� || ��: @smallgirlbiglens

A post shared by Moxy Hotels (@moxyhotels) on

Further clues come from this brief whirlwind of a promotional video, which let you know that Moxy really does have it all.

Sexy folks! Dancing! Shots! What looks like an attempted kidnapping! Unwanted groping! Beds! Hallways! A gimp? 

As these scenes play out, the video helpfully flashes written messages: "Never Compromise," "Dream Big," "Rules Breed Rebels," "Think Yes," "Do It," "Don't Be Shy," "This Hotel Is a Good Place for Sex With Young People." 

The last one we made up, though it might be one of the lyrics to the song playing in the background.

Along with the aforementioned boning, music will be a big part of the Moxy experience. The hotel has partnered with MPR's 89.3 The Current for something called "The Current Sound Scene," a collaboration of concerts and music programming. 

As 89.3 programming director Jim McGuinn says in a press release from earlier this week: “At The Current we like to say ‘Great Music Lives Here,’ but it turns out that great music can also be part of a visit to the Twin Cities, and we’re excited to team up with Moxy to help show off a bit of our community and help connect the music to new audiences via The Current Sound Scene."

Boy, now we are excited, too.

Though globally there are a bunch of Moxy Hotels -- Germany seems downright filled with 'em -- the Minneapolis opening will only be Moxy's eighth American operation.

Another Minneapolis Moxy is planned for downtown, scheduled to open in "early 2018"... that is, if the whole of downtown Minneapolis is not razed to the ground during the craven bachannal orgy that will undoubtedly consume the entire Twin Cities metropolitan area once this hotel opens. 

Moxy's Uptown Minneapolis hotel will have 124 rooms. At present, the website doesn't tell you how much they'll cost, or how you can rent one. But if you're still worried about lame details like that, you've missed Moxy's point. Think Yes, Do It, Don't Be Shy, Never Compromise. Prepare to be maced.