Yesterday I was sitting in bed thinking about how bad the Walker Art Center is.
I knew this was not an agreeable thought. Nonetheless, it persisted in my mind, where many other random negativities fester.
The more I ruminated on the thought, the more I recognized how unpopular of an opinion hating the Walker was. Then I started thinking about Minnesotans.
If there’s one thing Minnesotans are good at, it's suppressing controversial ideas. I probably wasn’t the only one in the Land of 10,000 Lakes to harbor an ill opinion about Minneapolis’ paragon of contemporary art.
And that meant there were probably dozens of unspoken nasties floating through the refuse of other local citizens’ minds. It was time for some communal bloodletting. I took to Twitter in search of more takes.
What are your #ControversialTwinCitiesTakes— fagerbergian flair (@jgfagerberg) September 12, 2017
With this tweet, the rest of my day was consumed. A never-ending torrent of controversial opinions crowbarred its way into my mentions tab, and I was left to sit and analyze my position on everything.
What had I done? Isn’t empowering people's worst inclinations how Trump rose to power? Jesus Christ, do people really think these things?
They do. And it’d be a disservice if I didn’t synthesize some of their bad, bad takes in a listicle for you people. Gawk and despair. Here are the most controversial Twin Cities takes, ranked, from the lightly contentious to the utterly unspeakable.
It's really more like one city with a river in the middle, isn't it#ControversialTwinCitiesTakes— Brendan Kennealy (@ExtraPaleMale) September 12, 2017
A pretty mild take, but still intriguing. Though Brendan had previously died on the hill proclaiming St. Paul’s superiority, he’s got a point. Northeast is on the other side of the Mississippi, and it’s still Minneapolis. Why isn’t St. Paul?
Prince was obvi a great musician, but if he was from NYC/LDN he wouldn't have been worshipped like in MSP����♀️#ControversialTwinCitiesTakes— Hayley MJ (@haymaymj) September 12, 2017
You come at the Prince, you better not miss, and this one mostly misses. Here, I also need to confess that, although the headline says “my friends,” I don’t know half these fuckin’ people.
I don’t know Hayley personally, but I know she’s got one bad opinion. Someone was bound to try and pants Prince in my timeline, but all the takes were about as galvanizing as this one.
Nye's is better off dead. #ControversialTwinCitiesTakes— Casey Jones (@CasinoJizzones) September 12, 2017
The first pro-gentrification tweet of the day comes from Minneapolis Twitter personality and Ninja Turtles hired gun Casey Jones. Was Nye’s the best bar in American history? Most Twin Cities residents probably think so, but on this day, Casey was finally free to say “fuck all that.”
Recycling is a waste of everyone's time. #ControversialTwinCitiesTakes— Richard Chin (@rrchin) September 13, 2017
Fuckin’ Richard. Dude hates the planet.
The Coen brothers have only made two decent movies. #ControversialTwinCitiesTakes— Andrea Leap (@lookbeforeyou) September 13, 2017
Quirky St. Louis Park directors the Joel and Ethan Coen have a loyal following here in the Gopher State, where they set their name-making 1996 film (and later, series) Fargo.
Lots of folks are pissed that a nation of idiots think Fargo is in Minnesota now. Andrea Leap goes one further, disowning all but two of their creations. She doesn’t elaborate which -- Fargo and No Country for Old Men are my guesses -- but watch out, this is a hot one.
Sweet Martha's cookies are not good.— Nick Hansen (@nickhansenMN) September 12, 2017
I barely tolerated anti-State Fair takes, but this one, coming from sandwich-loving good boy Nick Hansen, turned a lot of heads. Nick taps into a truth we all know in our Minnesotan hearts but are too proud to admit -- the cookies are no good, Martha. They’re just sugary poker chips. If 14-year-olds can make them 100 at a time, how good could they possibly be?
Many cabins are not worth the drive. #ControversialTwinCitiesTakes— Dara Grumdahl (@DearDara) September 13, 2017
Former City Pages food editor and current Minneapolis/St. Paul Magazine staffer Dara Grumdahl is sick of hoofin’ it four hours just to get her ass bitten by Dengue mosquitos in your 10” x 10” sugar shack with no heat. Stop pretending it’s a "lake house" when you have to cross the highway to get to the dock.
Pedal pubs are cool— Augustus Watkins (@genrebeast) September 12, 2017
Local mulitgenre musician Augustus Watkins came to, in his own words, get spicy, and boy do Minnesotans hate spice. Pedal Pubs have drawn the ire of every front porch dad and tight-pantsed ninny in the Cities since their inception, and Watkins has the audacity to say they’re a harmless bit of fun.
the Minnesota Vikings are a machine that takes $ from rubes and converts it into sorrow— Darin K (@Darin_K_) September 12, 2017
Scorchingly poetic take from photographer-about-town Darin Kamnetz. The take might not ring true now as the Vikes are fresh off a Monday night shellacking of the Saints, but come Week 9, we’ll be calling him Nostradarin.
too much beer, too many dogs— Keith Harris (@useful_noise) September 12, 2017
Throughout the day, scads of anonymous take artists took shots at the burgeoning beer scene. But it’s this tweet from City Pages music editor and my former friend Keith Harris that succinctly cuts through the noise to come at a subculture I personally champion. It’s a shot across the bow of the good and holy dog-owning beer drinkers, and it was the hottest garbage take flung into my mentions.