For the past couple of weeks, hipsters, super-bros, office drones, and facial hair enthusiasts of all backgrounds have been getting their hairlip on with this whole Movember thing.
While it's a good thing in principal (raising money for charity, winning cool swag
, looking like Thomas Sullivan Magnum, etc.), there are a handful of dudes out there who have kind of let things get out of hand.
That's why this week, as our civic duty, we've put together a mid-Movember list of do's and don'ts to make sure you're getting your 'stache on responsibly.
DO: Check your evil-meter
When you started growing your mustache, you probably thought, "This is so rad! People will think I look dignified, my employer will be impressed with my dedication, and I might even score an endorsement deal with a fine malt liquor brand. Definitely no risks involved with this decision." You were wrong. Dead wrong.
It's scientifically proven that the longer you have a mustache, the more likely you are to turn into a super-villain. That's why it's important to check for symptoms before it goes too far.
Got the urge to denounce America and pick a fight with '80s wrestling superstar "Hacksaw" Jim Duggan? If yes, you've reached Iron Sheik status. Feel like painting over your mustache and wearing a purple suit? You're now in Caeser Romero territory. Considering taking a role in a kids' action-comedy called Snow Dogs? Sorry; there's no coming back.
Check your evil early and often. It could save you from becoming a pop-culture punchline.
DON'T: Dye your mustache
On paper, it totally makes sense. You've been growing out your mustache for the past two weeks, and it's not quite as full as you'd like it to be. A couple of strokes of Just for Men should do the trick, right? Wrong again, pube-face.
Coloring your 'stache is like wearing a toupee to cover up the fact that you're bald. You might as well just wear a sign that says, "My shame grows-in blonde." Instead of getting mad, embrace your fair-colored facial hair and follow our next helpful step....
DO: Complete the look
Any asshole can grow a mustache, but it takes a special kind of asshole to change his hairstyle to complete his look.
Want to look like a guy who hangs out at VFWs? Start crafting your side-part. Feel like fitting in with ironic college-aged hipsters? Shave yourself bald on top ("I totally look like a gross high-school teacher!"). Looking to actually teach high-school science? Get new life goals.
This blog post has quickly changed focus.
DON'T: Grow without permission
If you haven't already, ask your girlfriend/wife/boo for permission
to continue your campaign of hairiness. Failure to do so could backfire
worse than you can possibly imagine. Don't believe it? Think about
these six words the next time you look in the mirror:
You stop shaving; I stop shaving.
No matter where you're currently at in your Movember crusade, take a few moments this week and assess your situation in order to repair any potential long-term damage that may be lingering. Good luck, and stay furry, my friends.