It's inevitable. Sometime this weekend, one of your friends will send a breathless, all-caps text message.
"DUDE," she will write, "I SWEAR I JUST SAW JOHNNY DEPP SITTING ON A PARK BENCH IN ST .PAUL CUTTING UP AN APPLE WITH A KNIFE."
Now you know how to respond: Yes, that really was Johnny Depp. Do not make direct eye contact. And try to keep away from the knife.
Depp is among a slew of world-famous people who are in town for this weekend's Starkey Hearing Gala. Though better known for his acting — or, lately, his very ugly divorce from Amber Heard — Depp's actually one of the musical acts: He'll be performing as part of the Hollywood Vampires, the aging badass trio band that also features Alice Cooper and Joe Perry of Aerosmith fame. (Insert joke here about the music they book at a fundraiser about hearing loss.)
But wait, there's more!
If you hear a vaguely familiar British accent asking for a spot of milk in his tea at Starbucks, yes, that might in fact be Tony Blair.
Crash into a pedestrian's piano-sized chin on your way to brunch, totaling your car? Yeah, man, that's Jay Leno('s chin).
Also hangin' around: Jennifer Garner, actress and former Mrs. Ben Affleck; former heavyweight champion of the world Evander Holyfield; and John Mellencamp, former person with "Cougar" as part of his name.
That's not all! Other scheduled guests, according to the Pioneer Press, include Dascha Polanco from Orange Is the New Black and Verne Troyer ("Mini-Me"from Austin Powers); we would like to take this opportunity to start the rumor that those two, who will be seen in the same place in St. Paul this coming weekend, might be an item.
Another musical guest would be utterly forgettable were it not for a major controversy that erupted earlier this week: The Tenors, a Canadian pop-opera singing group, were singing the Canadian national anthem at the Major League Baseball All-Star Game when one of them threw in the words "all lives matter." That guy, Remigio Perreira, has since been dropped from the group's future performances, presumably including this weekend's gig for Starkey.
If you see him wandering around St. Paul, he's probably just looking for a job.
The annual fundraiser will be held at the Saint Paul RiverCentre this Sunday, with tickets retailing for $1,500 — and that's for the cheap seats. "Gold seats" are going for $2,500, and "Platinum seats" are $5,000. Promotional materials don't specify what those different ticket levels provide, but we assume the prices are based on how easy it is for the ticket holder to smell Johnny Depp.