This weekend, the pageant world will be watching with (catnip-scented) baited breath as the biggest event of 2013 takes over St. Paul: 2013 Saintly City Cat Club Annual Championship Cat Show.
Going down this Saturday and Sunday, the fanciest and most intense kitty competition of the year will invade the Roy Wilkins Auditorium, as kitty-bros and lady-kitty-bros will square off in an attempt to earn the titles of Household Pet King and Queen. And while that might sound like a wholesome, adorable event for the entire family, the bottom line is that this weekend is all about winning. After all, why have a cat if they can't be the best (just like kids, amirite)?
Now, you might be thinking yourself, "But my cat is too well-adjusted for the pageant world! How can I change that?" Don't sweat it; we've got you covered.
This past week, we watched a bunch of episodes of the smash hit TV show, Here Comes Honey Boo Boo, and took careful notes on what it takes to be a good stage mom. All you need to do is follow these simple tips, and your cat could be the next Kitty Boo Boo. Let's get pageant-y!
Tip 1: Skin to win
If you've ever watched Honey Boo Boo, then you know how delightful it is when that misguided little girl pulls up her shirt and shows off her bloated belly. While it might be sad and gross in people-form, a kitty showing off his or her belly is about the cutest thing ever. Behold:
Right!?! Sure, other cats might have fuller fur or whatever it is cats get judged on, but your cat will have have the train wreck factor that only a select few pageant cats can pull off. Bellies over everythang.
Tip 2: Manners don't matter
You know what's great about Honey Boo Boo? Her complete lack of self-awareness, or understanding of what is and isn't appropriate. It's those horrifying moments when little Alana Thompson burps, spits, or says something disgusting about her grotesque mother that we all collectively drop an "Awww!" While your cat can't necessarily do all of those things on command, it's important that you provide your feline positive reinforcement when he or she does something slightly less savory.
Licking their kitty parts in mixed company? Time for a treat! Starting shit with another cat? Face snuggling! Shaking his or her kitty bottom anytime they hear an LMFAO song? Put that on YouTube. Immediately.
Tip 3: Big is beautiful
Cat show judges love junk in the trunk. Because they are pervs. Do what you got to do.
No matter the age, color, or gender of your feisty feline, anyone can be a champion. With the right coaching and
love, your kitty could be on it's way to fame, fortune, and type 2 diabetes, just like little Alana Thompson. God bless America.
IF YOU GO:
2013 Saintly City Cat Club Annual Championship Cat Show
Roy Wilkins Auditorium
175 W. Kellogg Blvd., St. Paul
Saturday, January 26 & Sunday, January 27
Saturday: 9 a.m. - 5 p.m.; Sunday: 9 a.m. - 4 p.m.