Help us understand this classified ad we ran

This ad is the best thing City Pages published last week.

This ad is the best thing City Pages published last week.

Most weeks, it's hard enough making sense of anything you read in City Pages.

This we readily admit. Usually that's because of the professional, full-time journalists, editors, and freelancers who toil long hours to put together all those strange sentences.

In the the current issue, however, we've gotten an assist in confusing the general public thanks to a classified ad, appearing on page 43. (Yes, people still do those! Inquire here.)

The ad ran right next to the crossword puzzle, and reads a little like a clue in some sort of brain game or riddle. Here are the first couples lines.

"BEASTY: Grandmother committed suicide so you may not want a bite of that apple. It was an honor to cross swords with you."

Go ahead, read that again. See if you can figure out what's being said here. It doesn't get any easier to interpret:

"I want to enjoy my retirement & hang out with Meg. You may visit us. You are 30 years late. Speak English or paint it black. 

- Dr. F"

It's, uh... what?

Who's Meg? What sort of work does someone who writes classified ads like this retire from? Isn't it possible the only way someone came to be 30 years late for something is they couldn't deduce what the hell you were saying? 

The ad was noticed by Matt Helgeson, a local communications professional and former editor at Game Informer magazine, who tweeted his curiosity about its meaning.



We don't know, and we're wondering the same thing. Whatever this coded message means, we love it. It's the most riveting read in last week's issue. We only hope BEASTY sees it in time to be forewarned about that apple and/or join Meg and Dr. F in his/her retirement and/or speak English or paint it black.