Fargo recap: Snowpocalypse

Molly pushes a little too far this time...
Molly pushes a little too far this time...
Chris Large/FX

Episode six: "Buridan's Ass" [Warning: Spoilers for FX's Fargo series]

This is the episode you've been waiting for.

For all of Fargo's winks and nods and blatant "this is sooo Biblical" hints dropped in the last few episodes, "Buridan's Ass" just puts it all out on the line. And boy is that line heavy with bodies on bodies on bodies.

See also: Fargo recap, episode five: "Lemme tell you a story"

Seriously, if you haven't caught up on the show, there are major spoilers ahead.

That being said: everyone dies. Okay, not everyone. But considering we've had a pretty long string of no-death episodes, this one makes up for it five-fold. And if you didn't care about those characters before, you probably will now, because they all die awesomely. Too bad it'll be too little, too late, for you.

Lots happened in this episode, so we're breaking it down into four easy-to-digest parts for you. Keep in mind, the snowpocalypse has begun.

Malvo gets away from the disaster at Don's just in time.
Malvo gets away from the disaster at Don's just in time.
Chris Large/FX

Don Chumph, the chump

Don Chumph is still screwed into the pantry at his house, babbling about the bathhouse he wants call Turkish Delight. When he's finally freed, Don has to call Milos and facilitate a drop-off for that cool million in cash. Then Malvo clocks him over the head and binds the knocked-out Don to some of his beloved exercise equipment. Upon waking, Don finally sees that he's been making deals with the devil all along -- and the devil don't keep promises. That 60-40 split of Milos's money Don was hoping for? Nope. Don starting a bathhouse? Nope. Don getting out alive? Nope.

Malvo duct tapes a rifle to Don's hands, cocking it beforehand. Don, finally realizing the error of his ways pulls the trigger on Malvo. It's too bad for that bronzed fellow, as there aren't any bullets in it. ("That's okay," Malvo says sweetly. "I'd be insulted if you didn't try.") Malvo goes over to another gun, this one loaded and pointed out of a newspaper-covered window, and opens fire on the neighborhood in an effort to get the Duluth PD on the scene. Little do the cops know that Malvo's rigged up a tripwire that's connected to the loaded gun in the window (Breaking Bad finale, anyone?), which will eventually seal Don's fate as Malvo drives off unscathed.

That poor Chumph (emphasis on the chump) goes out in a blaze of bullets, backlit on that exercise equipment to show only the shotgun in his hands when the police finally storm the house after shooting it to hell.

Lester's showing off his evil side again.
Lester's showing off his evil side again.
Chris Large/FX

Don't pester Lester

Lester's taking a leaf outta Malvo's book and executing some sinister deeds of his own. He's stuck in the hospital and unaware of the officer watching his door until the slowest-nurse-in-the-world comes in, asks about how Lester's doing, and promises Lester's roommate (a poor, face-bandaged guy named Mr. Creech) that she'll be back to wheel him over to radiation in a little bit. Then Chazz stops by and gives Lester a piece of his mind, and now we see that Lester doesn't take too kindly to disloyalty.

In a stroke of evil genius, Lester pulls the ol' switcheroo on the nurse, trading places with Mr. Creech and nabbing some outerwear for the trek ahead. Slow Nurse comes by and takes Mr. Creech Lester to radiation where he put on his coat, steals an employee's car keys, and drives over to his house. Lester sees the washing machine's been fiddled with (remember Molly's breaking-and-entering stint?). He looks alarmed for a moment before revealing that damn fish poster was hiding a hole in the wall where he re-hid the bloody hammer. Lester then grabs some boudoir photos of Pearl (sadly housed in a box under the basement stairs) and a pair of her panties before going to plant them in Chazz's gun chest.

After hiding the hammer and Pearl's stuff conspicuously with Chazz's insane stock of firearms, Lester gets the bright idea to faster facilitate the discovery of the evidence. He takes an unloaded handgun and plants it in Chazz's kid's backpack, which will probably be found at school and cause an investigation. The kid even sees Lester in the house, but stays silent. What sucks is that it's likely no one will believe Chazz's son if he says he saw Lester sneaking around in the house, because his uncle goes right back to his hospital bed smirking to himself like nothing ever happened.

Real nice, Lester.

Time to get rid of that money, Milos.
Time to get rid of that money, Milos.
Chris Large/FX

When fish fly

Don arranges the money drop with Milos, and the supermarket king thinks that maybe this'll finally put him right with God. He calls up security head Semenchko, who's at a cabin in the woods with Milos's son Dmitri, and tells them to come back. Things are going to be fine, Biblical firstborn plagues be damned.

Milos also decides not to go through with the drop off at Gustafson's garage ('96 Fargo ref, perhaps?). Instead, he drives out to that fence in the middle of nowhere and buries the suitcase in the hard, barren snow, like a dark seed of destruction he can't get rid of fast enough. Sure enough, his penance to God is too little, too late.

And then there were the fish. One by one, then all at once, fish fell from the sky and onto the road. Slippery little devils that one can't possibly drive over (on top of fresh powder, mind you) without the near 100 percent chance of a horrific accident. Seriously, there were flying fish, randomly raining down (which is apparently a natural phenomenon that happens every once in a while).

Too bad poor firstborn son Dmitri Milos and Semenchko were on the road, making their way back to civilization.

Milos, presumably on his way towards the cabin to meet up with the pair, stumbles across an accident scene, and sees Semenchko bloodied up on the street (dude, always buckle up!) and poor Dmitri squished in the wreckage (buckling up didn't help him either, but still!).

This is the last time you'll see these two together...
This is the last time you'll see these two together...
Chris Large/FX

The cold inferno

Nothing like Fargo to turn northern Minnesota into the ninth circle of Hell, a frozen wasteland controlled by the worst of the worst.

Malvo's on the getaway, listening to that handy police scanner he picked up in the last episode, and keeping tabs on doomed Don. Numbers and Wrench have him cornered, though, and sandwich Malvo's car into an accident in a deserted-looking neighborhood.

Come to think of it, everything looks deserted. The entire city is covered in a blanket of white.

Numbers and Wrench gang up on Malvo with their oh-so-subtle machine guns, but Malvo is actually about 10 snow-covered steps ahead of everyone at this point. The hitmen get separated, and Numbers tracks a trail of blood left intentionally by Malvo as a trap. Three-two-one... and Numbers has a knife in his side and Malvo's demanding who sent the hitmen. "Fargo," Numbers gasps. Malvo slits that Chatty Cathy's throat and lets him bleed out silently into the snow.

Meanwhile, Molly's been visiting Gus in Duluth and doing some investigations of her own about Lester's car and Malvo's whereabouts. She and Gus do some sleuthing which doesn't amount to much else besides lunch in a diner until they hear gunshots from the hitmen's firefight in the snow.

Molly and Gus go outside and start looking for the culprits, an impossible feat in these blizzard conditions. Soon they stumble upon Numbers' body, Gus goes green, and Molly gets a renewed sense of purpose. Gus lingers just a moment too long over Numbers' body, and he loses Molly in the whiteout. He hears her just feet away with someone else, and shots are fired, but he can't see anyone. Gus follows after his friend, but sees a shadow in front of him. He shoots.

It's Molly.

Is the unsinkable Molly Solverson actually dead? Who knows. If she's not, she's going to be wounded pretty badly, and Gus just lost some serious points on the romance front.

Everything goes to hell in a handbasket during this episode, and it's incredible. It's like The Shining out there. You can't see anything or anyone, everything is blank, and everyone might be dangerous. This episode brings the suspense, and when there's only a whirlwind of snow between friends and foes, there are a lot of thrills to be had.

Death count:

Don, Dmitri Milos, Semenchko, Numbers, Molly (maybe?), and a TON of fish. This brings the total death count on Fargo to 10 people and a bunch of animals, give or take Molly and the disappearing Hess family... (Based off of our IMDB searches, we're pretty sure the Hesses are goners, though.)

Random notebook dump:

The episode starts off underwater, where we're literally swimming with the fishes (foreshadowing, anyone?) in a restaurant before we see one unlucky fella get scaled, fried, and fed to the Fargo crime lord employing Numbers and Wrench. He means business concerning Sam Hess's death, and he wants Malvo dead. Get in line, buddy.

Where did Mr. Wrench go in the snow?

Gus would've made a great mailman, and now we know why he sucks at his job.

Can we PLEASE get Lou to take things into his own hands? We're dying for some Deadwood justice from Keith Carradine. (Or at least let us see what happened in Sioux Falls all those years ago with Lou and the lieutenant from Duluth.)

New show name idea: Fargo, Or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Die in the Snow

Important takeaways from the episode:

Lester is framing Chazz for Pearl's murder... and put a gun in his nephew's schoolbag.

Malvo's on the loose again.

With Milos's kid and body guard dead, he's likely to psychologically snap (even more so) pretty soon.

Gus is actually the worst cop ever.

Nature is crazy. Especially in Minnesota.

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