Defending Christmas from kitty terrorists

Christmas is supposed to be the time of year when we all come together, give gifts, and watch awesome TV specials for four straight weeks. It's like the Olympics of religious holidays, only with less Bob Costas and gender-bending South African women (usually).

I used to think nothing could destroy Christmas. Then I got a cat.

In just 14 short days my cat (name: John Rambo) has managed to knock over the Christmas tree three times, unwrap the presents, and chew the leg off of my Magic Johnson tree ornament. That was the last straw.

After talking with a few of my fellow cat owners, it seems that I'm not the only one who has had his Christmas victimized by cats. That's why I sat down and put together my "Kitty Christmas Terrorist Survival Guide" (Cutest. Terrorist Survival Guide. Ever).

Survival Tip #1: Strike First

I can't begin to count the number of times I've been in the other room, and heard the distinct noise of a cat climbing up the center of the Christmas tree. Sure, it may be cute for a minute, seeing that little cat face poking through the branches at you. But give it a few more seconds, and chances are the next sound you'll hear is the crash of your artificial yuletide plant life hitting the floor. Sadly, it seems that no matter how many times a cat knocks over a Christmas tree, they never seem to get tired of it. That means tons of clean-up and a terrible looking tree in your living room. So what do you? How can you stop your cat from knocking down your tree?

Strike first--tackle your own tree.

The next time you hear your cat start crawling through those branches, back up, get a running start and go Jared Allen all over that bitch. Drop your shoulder and tackle that thing like it owes you money. Obviously you'll send the tree--along with you and your cat--crashing to the floor, likely causing even more destruction than your cat could do on his own. But by tackling the tree before they can take it down, you'll at least have the satisfaction of knowing that you and you alone destroyed Christmas, and the cat has to live with the constant fear of being tackled by someone 10 times his size. That's a gift that lasts all year long.

Survival Tip #2: Gift Wrap His Fate

There's something cats love about tearing through paper and unwrapping presents. Maybe they like the texture. Maybe they like the noise. Or maybe they just really want to show everyone the Perfect Strangers DVD box set I bought for myself, wrapped up and wrote "To Patrick, Love Balki" on the tag so that everyone I know thinks I'm friends with Bronson Pinchot.

But what if the next time the kitty unwrapped a present, he saw something different staring back at him. What if inside the paper he saw...himself?

Before you start thinking this is all deep and metaphorical; it's not. I mean jam another cat in a box and wrap it up. Hear me out on this.

Think about it in human terms for a second: Imagine that you're eight-years-old, and one night after your parents go to bed you sneak downstairs to get a peek at what Santa Claus brought to your crib. You carefully pull back the paper and look inside, hoping it's going to be a new, shiny Magic Johnson Christmas ornament. Instead, staring back at you is another child your age, full of fear and imprisoned forever in his box of Christmas cheer. You would be horrified, right? And would you ever again try unwrapping presents before you're supposed to? Exactly. Totally the same thing with cats.

In other news, I'm thinking about opening a babysitting service in the near future. Give me your kids.

Survival Tip #3: Bury a Half-Eaten Magic Johnson Ornament in Your Cat's Litter Box

I have no idea why, but for some reason Rambo felt it was necessary to bury my half-eaten Magic Johnson ornament in his litter box. This isn't really a survival tip, but it's seriously freaking me out. I have no idea why he hates Magic so much. Hasn't he suffered enough?

Look, I know that some of these tips may seem a little out there, but these are desperate times we're living in. After all, if you aren't willing to tackle your own tree, stuff a cat in a box, and bury Magic Johnson in cat litter in the name of Christmas, then we let the terrorists win.

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