FACT: There are three (and only three) acceptable ways to celebrate your independence this July 4:
1) Competitive eating competitions
2) Watching an all-day Die Hard marathon on TNT
3) Pants-free athletics.
While the first two are super patriotic, there is no greater feeling than shedding those terribly constrictive pants, hopping on your bike, and rocking out with your (FILL IN THE BLANK) out.
This Wednesday, you'll have the chance to do just that as part of the annual Freedom From Pants Ride in downtown Minneapolis. Last year's event attracted over 200 riders, and the organizers expect an even bigger turnout this year. The event is open to all ages and athletic abilities, making it the perfect patriotic celebration for any proud American.
However, like any good pants-free event, you can't just run out and start stripping. That's why we put together a super helpful (and super patriotic) guide to dress, etiquette, and bike riding sans-trousers.
Dress the part
According to the organizers, the dress code is fairly open-ended: "Flattering is good, funny is better, and flattering plus funny is a jackpot."
Now, we're not saying you HAVE to wear something American from the waist down (boxers, thong, official replica of Apollo Creed's shorts from all of the Rocky movies, etc.), but let's establish one serious rule: No flags of any other country.
That's not being xenophobic; that's just being proud. You can wear your spicy Italian flag booty shorts or your Canadian flag G-string any other day of the year, but for this one day, you need to be full-on Team USA.
Watch your eyeballs
This should go without saying, but don't get all pervy out there. And yes ladies, I'm talking to you.
These types of events usually give dudes a bad rap. It's like everyone just assumes that us dudes are all amped up to see some pants-less chicas, possibly taking pics on our camera phones and posting them on a new website we made called classyamericanchickswithoutpants.org (it's a non-profit). But in reality, I think it's the guys who need to be afraid of being completely objectified by the female riders, as a result of that Magic Mike movie that has everyone all hot and bothered.
Anyways, long-story short, let's all just agree to either keep our eyes to ourself, or wear dark enough sunglasses so that no one knows we're checking out each other's bits. Cool?
Seriously. A bunch of people riding bikes without pants on is awesome. People rollerblading without pants? That's just gross.
You have your guidelines; go represent your country proudly.
IF YOU GO:
Freedom From Pants Ride
Wednesday, July 4
6 p.m. meetup, 7 p.m. start
Parking lot next to the Soap Factory (514 Second St. SE, Minneapolis)