If American history has taught us anything, it’s that we need the tinsel and lights of Hollywood to fully understand any political scandal.
To rush that process along for the Trump administration's ongoing RussiaGate story, we've gone ahead and cast the movie. We’re going to need all of Hollywood’s silver foxes, and everyone’s going to have to grow jowls.
It’s not going to be pretty, but it’s going to be insane. Would you watch it?
-- President Donald J. Trump played by ... Charlie Sheen
Donald Trump is actually the hardest to cast. If he could play himself, that would be ideal, and I actually think he’d be down. Beyond Alec Baldwin, an obvious choice, Charlie Sheen might bring the right level of snivel and swagger.
-- White House Chief Strategist Steve Bannon played by ... Jim Gaffigan plus 90 pounds
There are not many people in Hollywood with the checkered jowls of Steve Bannon. If Philip Seymour Hoffman were still here, he’d be an obvious choice (RIP), but Jim Gaffigan could be a close second. He would have to put on weight and eat a lot of nitrates to get the role, though.
-- Counselor to the President Kellyanne Conway played by ... Felicity Huffman
Luckily, Hollywood presents us with quite the buffet of Kellyanne options. Suzanne Somers? Toni Collette? Ultimately, I feel Felicity Huffman would bring the right level of severity, wit, and angular death stares.
-- Vice President Mike Pence played by ... Steve Martin being as unlikeable as possible
We’re going to need every white-haired older man Hollywood has for this film, even if they’re far too cool to play these characters.
-- White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer played by ... Andy Daly
I feel that Spicey is going to pee his pants publicly at some point, and I think Daly could capture this scene well.
-- Speaker of the House Paul Ryan played by ... Steve Carell
He’s proved he can play both dorkily innocent and openly sleazy dudes by now, and somehow Paul Ryan manages to be both, so this is an obvious choice.
-- First Lady Melania Trump played by ... Elizabeth Hurley
Are we in this mess to begin with because we haven’t cast Elizabeth Hurley in enough movies? That would be a dumb theory! But she is magical and will capture Melania perfectly.
-- Russian President Vladimir Putin played by ... Jude Law
The Young Pope will probably get canceled soon, so he’s about to be free. Not only does he look like Putin if you squint, but he was born to pout moodily while shirtless on horseback. Fun fact: For a second I considered Macaulay Culkin after Googling “Young Putin.”
-- Campaign Manager Paul Manafort played by ... Christopher McDonald
This one was the easiest of all. No explanation needed; this man is Shooter McGavin.
-- FBI Director James Comey played by ... Stephen Colbert
To me, Comey looks like if Stephen Colbert were to be stung by bees.
-- Attorney General Jeff Sessions played by ... Clay Aiken
We could dig really far into the list of actors from either Charlie and the Chocolate Factory or Horton Hears a Who! to find our perfect Jeff. I considered Kristin Chenoweth briefly, but I think Clay Aiken plus aged makeup would do a fine job. Bonus: He has political experience.
-- Secretary of State Rex Tillerson played by ... Donald Sutherland plus 40 pounds
Again, Hollywood lacks the proper chin girth to cast this role. Donald Sutherland’s icy gaze would bring a sense of uncanny weirdness to the fact that this man is our Secretary of State.
-- Businesswoman/daughter Ivanka Trump played by ... Emma Roberts
Katherine Heigl is the obvious option, but she wouldn’t bring the right level of slippery charisma. Plus, Emma Roberts would “put butts in seats,” as they say in the movie biz.
-- Senior Adviser/Son-in-Law Jared Kushner played by ... Dave Franco
They don’t look 100 percent alike, but Dave Franco just feels right here.
-- Political Consultant Roger Stone played by ... John Travolta
Travolta has already proven that if you slap a pair of fake eyebrows on him, he can do anything. He was brilliant as Robert Shapiro in The People vs. O.J. Simpson, and he’s going to be just as smarmy as Roger Stone.
-- Supreme Court nominee judge Neil Gorsuch played by ... Anderson Cooper
While he does have an Anthony Bourdain look about him, a silver fox like Cooper will bring an earnestness to the plotline wherein Trump’s own supreme court appointee helps impeach him -- that’s what’s going to happen ... right?
Photo credits: Trump/Sheen: Pablo Martinez Monsivais/AP. Bannon/Gaffigan: Evan Vucci/AP; Facebook. Conway/Huffman: Richard Drew/AP; Facebook. Pence/Martin: Timothy D. Easley/AP; Haraz N. Ghanbari/AP. Spicer/Daly: Pablo Martinez Monsivais/AP; iDominick/WikipediaCommons. Ryan/Carrell: J. Scott Applewhite/AP; Katy Winn/AP. Trump/Hurley: J. Scott Applewhite/AP; Richard Shotwell/AP. Putin/Law: Mikhail Klimentyev/AP; Frederic Auerbach/WikipediaCommons. Manafort/McDonald: Matt Rourke/AP; David Shankbone/WikipediaCommons. Comey/Colbert: Manuel Balce Ceneta/AP; Cliff Owen/AP. Sessions/Aiken: Steve Helber/AP; Richard Drew/AP. Tillerson/Sutherland: Cliff Owen/AP; Ibsan73/WikipediaCommons. Trump/Emma Roberts: Mark J. Terrill/AP; Instagram. Kushner/Franco: Carolyn Kaster/AP; Instagram. Stone/Travolta: Palm Beach Post/AP; Matt Sayles/AP. Gorsuch/Cooer: Susan Walsh/AP; Evan Agostini/AP.