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Awesome, last-minute nontraditional V-Day gifts for guys and gals

Sex toys are always a safe bet.

Sex toys are always a safe bet.

Valentine’s Day is just around the corner. You’ve now waited past the window of time for ordering an adorable personalized Etsy necklace, and Victoria’s Secret is sold out of the padded little feathered bra you were eyeing. Flowers are overpriced and underwhelming. Chocolates are boring. So now you’re sitting at work Googling “good Valentine’s gifts.”

If you really want to impress that bro/basic you’ve been dating for a few months, heed our advice and do something slightly nontraditional to really impress.

Gifts for him:

Send him a pizza at work.

Because he can’t eat flowers. 

Return all of the clothes that you’ve borrowed and left in your car or hidden in the bottom of the closet.

Nothing says love like sugar for breakfast.

Nothing says love like sugar for breakfast.

Wrap them up nicely. It’ll be like visiting his favorite thrift store, except with things he never actually wanted to give away.

Go a day without tagging him in an engagement ring ad on Facebook.

“Isn’t this soooo pretty?” Yeah we see you. 

Send him a bouquet of LEGOs.

They’re not just for children. (Check out this lady's bouquet-making skills above, or look at this amazing person's work for inspiration.)

Start an argument with him but don’t bring up that thing you bring up every single time you get in an argument.

He might not catch on right away, but eventually he’ll realize this is the first fight you’ve had where you didn’t bring up his hot co-worker. He’ll appreciate you for it later.

Go to the bar. Pay an attractive stranger $10 to hit on him.

Give him a little fill up on that old self-esteem gas tank before taking him home.

Tell him about how, even though you’ve been pressuring him to get married, you’ve recently realized that marriage is a patriarchal institution intended to keep women in traditionally oppressive gender roles and you can’t support it.

Wait until the 15th to tell him you were totally kidding.

Just for today, pretend his facial hair doesn’t bother you.

So what if he looks like Chris Daughtry with that soul patch and chin strap combo.

Sex toys.

Heyyy, there.

Heyyy, there.

Trust us.

Gifts for her:

Share a video of a baby animal to her Facebook wall every hour for the 24 hours of Valentine’s Day.

Baby kangaroos. Baby pandas. Kittens. Lambs. It doesn’t matter.

Buy her that thing she mentioned in passing four years ago.

Because nothing says love like pizza.

Because nothing says love like pizza.

If you think hard enough, you’ll remember eventually.

Block your ex-girlfriend’s phone number.

If you’re feeling really generous add Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, and Snapchat. Hell, throw in LinkedIn while you’re at it.

Run her a bath, then leave her the fuck alone.

This is actually all she’s ever wanted you to do in life.

Write her a romantic letter telling her how excited you are about the new season of Gilmore Girls coming soon to Netflix.

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You never told her this, but as a teenager you had a crush on Rory and you can feel in your heart that Lorelei and Luke were meant to be.

Post a photo of her on Instagram. Call her your rock or your better half.

When her friends comment [heart emoji, heart eyes emoji, twinkly stars], reply, “I just can’t imagine my life without her.” (Do this before you block your ex-girlfriend on Instagram.)

Have a basket of assorted donuts and cheeses waiting for her when she wakes up.

Carbs and dairy are better than any mixtape you could make her.

Find her some pizza-patterned underpants.

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Target sells them. Don’t call them panties; she hates that word.

Literally everything she wants is pinned to a board called “My Faves” on Pinterest, this should not be that hard.

Just look her up.

Screw it, just get engaged.

If none of the other ideas seem appropriate, go ahead and put a ring on it.

Good luck and happy love day!