Look, it's summertime again and that means one thing and one thing only - body hair removal. Gentleman, I'm talking to you.
Summer is a time when classy dudes like myself spend a great deal of time without their shirts on. Whether it's spending time on the lake, relaxing at your apartment pool or popping your shirt off before riding the log ride at the Mall of America, there's a good chance that if you're a male then you're most likely going to end up bare-chested sometime in the next few weeks.
What's that? You're not comfortable getting shirtless in public because of your disgusting mound of Steve Guttenberg-like chest hair, but you're too uncomfortable to get it removed? I feel your pain.
(Author's note: Not literally. I personally am waxed to perfection, much like Danny Bonaduce. Damnit, Bonaduce. Why can't I quit you?)
That's why this past week I sat down with Christine Fiebiger, general manager at Phresh Spa Salon in St. Paul (the chest waxing capitol of the world), who schooled me on some important info for dudes who want to stop looking like a T-ball coach (hairy and predator-like), and more like a T-ball player (smooth and sexy. But not like, in a weird way).
How often do you have guys coming into your salon for waxing?
Christine: For chest waxing? Probably between two and five times per month.
Interesting. And when they come in for a waxing do they go all the way bald or do they ever request sweet designs like a lightning bolt or panther?
Christine: Um, they usually go all the way bald.
So could you hook up a lightning bolt?
Christine: I guess so. I can't say we've ever really tried.
What if a guy has never been waxed before? What should he know going in?
Christine: Well, the first thing guys should know is that your chest hair has to be at least about a quarter of an inch long for us to wax it. But if it's too long, you may need to trim it with clippers first. Also, I would recommend telling the waxer about any medications you may be on, in case it makes your skin sensitive. If you don't, the wax could end up lifting off a layer of skin.
Any other dangers guys should be aware of?
Christine: I would say that the real problem might be after you're waxed. After care is really important to prevent ingrown hairs, which can be really uncomfortable.
What about tribal symbol chest tattoos? Could those cause a problem?
Christine: What does that have to do with waxing?
Anyways, let's talk about you for a second. Are you a fan of guys with waxed chests?
Christine: I...don't really know. I mean, if you're a guy and waxing your chest is going to make you feel more confident and comfortable in public then yeah, I say do it.
Right, but what about YOU personally? Are you a fan of waxed chests?
Christine: I don't know. I guess if a guy is like, really hairy then it's probably a good idea, but I think a guy should do what makes him comfortable.
Stop ducking the question. Do you like guys with waxed chests or not?
Christine: Fine, yes. Whatever.
Thank you. OK, one more question; are you a fan of a famous actor named Danny Bonaduce?
Christine: Um, no not really.
(Hangs up phone.)
So there you go. All you guys planning on popping your shirts off and letting your chest breathe this weekend should take note, and go get that weird jungle of hair taken care of. Also, if you see Steve Guttenberg this weekend for some weird reason, don't tell him I said anything bad about him.