History is full of epic battles. Skywalker vs. Vader. Romeo vs. Tybalt. Aniston vs. Jolie.
But sadly, there are countless brawls between historical figures that we have never had the opportunity to see for ourselves. Until now.
This Friday, Theatre Coup d’Etat will join together with Adam Scarpello from Staged Steel Armory for a special Fight Night variety show that will be entirely based on combat. The evening promises to offer authentic fighting, complete with swords, axes, knives, bricks, and anything that isn’t nailed down.
While we aren’t sure which characters will be a part of the mayhem -- that's a surprise -- we decided to put together a few of our dream celebrity death matches to help get you in the mood for fantasy bloodshed this Halloween weekend.
Lady Gaga vs. Madonna
This one needs to happen. For years the two pop icons have been compared and contrasted based on their similar sounds, outrageous fashion sense, and iconic status in the LGBTQ community. They have even gone so far as to take shots at one another in interviews. While Gaga would likely manage to design an outfit of meat, knives, and maybe even anthrax, chances are Madonna would use her weird old lady strength and wrap those veiny arms around Gaga to squeeze the life out of her for the win.
Jesus vs. Kanye West
Hear us out on this. While Kanye scored one of his first major hits rapping about everything INCLUDING Jesus, the man has taken on a seemingly biblical outlook of himself. Therefore, what would be better than watching the self-proclaimed God square off with the actual son of God? While Kanye’s appearance at Xcel last month showed off his mountain-of-muscle body, this would likely come down to a war of words. Sure, Yeezy might drop a hot 16 about how Jesus misses the old Kanye, but the second Jesus told him, “My robes are harder to find than Yeezy season three,” the 2020 presidential candidate would likely take his ball and go home to Kim.
Lin Manuel Miranda vs. Alexander Hamilton
Hamilton is back from the dead, and he’s got copyright infringement on his mind. Ever since theater and history nerds got together for a super-orgy with a hint of hip-hop, Hamilton-fever has gripped our country with unrelenting vengeance. But how would the real Alexander Hamilton feel if he knew his life and legacy was better remembered as, “That show where the guy in the ponytail raps about history?" We’re guessing he’d lose his shit. However, given that this is hip-hop we’re talking about, we’re guessing that Aaron Burr and Suge Knight would likely end up pooling their resources, and having both guys killed before they ever made it to fight night. It might be sad for fans, but the biopic would be epic.
Winner: Death Row Records, jocks who want to bully theater nerds.
IF YOU GO:
Fight Night: Halloween Edition
Bryant Lake Bowl
10 p.m. Friday, Oct. 28