50 Cent, Danielle Steel, KISS: 10 celebrity-endorsed perfumes that shouldn't be
The coveted Fifi "Jurassic Park" Award
Kim Kardashian, Usher, and Halle Berry were all on hand June 10th for the 2010 Fifi Awards, smelling like French harlots in a flower shop. Why? Because the Fifis honor, of all things, celebrity fragrances.
That's right, an entire awards show just to honor vanity projects by bored celebrities who've slapped their names all over mass-produced corporate scents. About time to pack up Western Civilization and start all over, don't you think? But let's have a little fun first - here's the 10 most ridiculous celebrity-endorsed perfumes.
KISS Kiss Her, Kiss Him
Sophisticated, complex, and subtle: these are the things that any good fragrance should be. And these are all things to which KISS is diametrically opposed. Maybe Kiss Her has a floral head and a sandlewood finish, but until proven otherwise we're going to assume that it smells like beer, sweat, and sexless teenage years spent in the basement with our parents' hi-fi.
You want to smell exactly how she looks
Danielle Steel writes trashy textual porn for women, which is funny because she's about a billion years old - so she's either got a vivid memory of her wild younger days or she's the main squeeze of the entire Fading Sunset Retirement Village. You know how your grandma smelled right after she put that icky hand creme on? That's what Danielle can do for you.
In Soviet Russia, perfume smells you!
Svetlana Iosifovna Alliluyeva
If you flunked history like us, your first reaction might've been "Svetlana who?" So let us hit you with some learnin'. Dearest Svetlana was the daughter of Joseph Stalin, the Communist totalitarian responsible for the deaths of a 20 million or so people who disagreed with his politics, looked at him the wrong way, or failed to inquire "How high?" when he commanded them to jump.
It's a bit strange thinking about his daughter having a signature scent; after all, what would it smell like? Vodka? Abject poverty? Genocide? We don't know, and unfortunately we never will; Svetlana's Breath is no more.
A big man with a big voice needs a big scent
Courtesy Luciano Pavarotti
Luciano Pavarotti was probably the best-known opera singer of modern times, along with the other two Tenors, whatever their names are. Lord knows the man had an admirable set of pipes. But know what sells fragrances? It ain't the ability to shatter the neighbor's Waterford crystal with your vocal chords. It's sex that drives those sales, and not to speak ill of the dead, but a sex symbol dear Pavarotti was not. Why not go with a saucy opera dame like Maria Callas instead? Now there's a lady who'd have us hitting high Cs.
He can't get no satyrsfaction
Courtesy Alan Cumming
We're not even gonna comment. We're just gonna leave this here for y'all:
The sweet odor of washed-up mediocrity
This endorsement actually made a lot of sense back during the "The Hire" stage of Clive Owen's career, when he was seriously floated as a replacement for Pierce Brosnan's Bond and was rarely seen sporting anything less than a penguin suit. These days Owen still stars in a lot of movies with guns and explosions, but lately his roles haven't had the stylish dash they used to. Instead, he's stuck playing middle-aged losers-turned-antiheroes, like in Children of Men and Shoot Em Up. Call us snooty, but we don't want our fragrance broadcasting "loneliness" and "depression". Our terrible posture and awkward social skills do that just fine, thank you.
That's So Smelly
Courtesy Raven Symone
That's So Raven
You'll have to pardon us for being snooty, but when searching for scent choices, a preteen Disney channel sitcom star is not the first place we'd go sniffing for ideas. On the other hand, dump a whole bunch of this on before a party and it'd make a great conversation starter:
Cute guy: What stinks?
You: That's So Raven!
Cute guy: Why are you saying the name of a series notable only for its annoying title?
You: No, that's the name of the perfume!
Cute guy: (sound of vomiting)
And while we're at it, what is soooo Raven about Raven, anyway?
Aroma d'eau MILF?
Desperate Housewives Forbidden Fruit
Ah, the stench of cougar. Now you too can smell like you're on the prowl for some tight-bodied young hunk who has zero interest in boning someone that looks like his mom. The only thing that would've made this fragrance better is if it were called Desperation.
With subtle notes of Pepsi, engine grease, and ignorance
Courtesy US National Guard
NASCAR: a "sport" in which participants turn left for four hours, if they're not too busy exploding and flying through the air. Did we mention they're crammed into a tiny cockpit, sealed inside a full bodysuit, on blacktop under the baking summer sun? What we're trying to say is that NASCAR drivers probably smell like used gym socks that have been stored in a kitty litter box until they got moldy, then soaked in formaldehyde. No pit crew in the world could make that appealing.
It's good we have people like Curtis Jackson around to remind us that getting shot nine times at point blank range makes you both a great rapper and an expert on high-end fragrances. If the smell is anything like the rhymes, Power is simplistic, obnoxious, and heavily derivative of better, more sophisticated fragrances. We wonder, though, why Jackson's marketing team didn't go for the obvious perfume name: 50 Scent.
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