Are you one of roughly 75 million Americans born between 1981 and 1997? Congratulations!
Need a place to sleep?
Better make it the Radisson Red, the new self-styled mecca for millennials that's opening across the street from US Bank Stadium, in the burgeoning hip neighborhood marketers would like us to start calling "East Town."
This is the first American venture for Radisson Red, which opened a hotel in Brussels this past spring, and will soon be everywhere, with plans to open as many as 60 worldwide by 2020.
Radisson Red caters quite loudly to a certain kind of customer. Namely, the "ageless millennial" set who are sick of all the "stuffy rules" that have been ruining their stays at more traditional hotels.
"Join the revolution," Radisson Red says.
The revolution will not be televised, but it will be Instagrammed in a bunch of selfies featuring hot hipsters.
According to this brand launch video, the millennial revolution has something to do with tattoos, facial hair, and graphics that come flying at you from all kinds of zany angles.
2. The "social hive"
Radissson Red's really pumped about its lobby area, which it calls the "social hive." The "revolution" in this part of the hotel is also spelled out in that brand video.
"NO BARRIERS," they say. This sounds good. Wouldn't want to walk into your hotel and find the lobby littered with "Road Closed" signs.
"NO BORDERS." Again, all good. Won't need your passport to get from the door to the elevator.
"NO FRONT DESK." Oh, wait. That part's sort of important.
Radisson Red spins this branding point as something that empowers the customer, who can check his own hipster ass in using a smartphone app. There will also be hotel employees standing around in the lobby ready to check in hotel guests using tablet computers. This will be identical to the experience of checking in at a regular hotel, only there's no desk for you to tap your fingers on while you wait, and the guy checking you in will definitely have some sort of mustache.
About this mustache guy. Radisson Red wants you to call him a "creative," the term it's giving to rank-and-file staffers who will be milling about to help you. In fact the hotel is full of fancy euphemisms for previously under-branded employees.
The general manager is called a "Curator," making that a decent fallback when your Art History major doesn't launch as many career opportunities as you'd hoped. Housekeepers are apparently being hired under the title "Public Space Attendants," a term that doesn't mean a damn thing to the vacuum they'll still have to drag around the social hive.
Waiters at "OUIBAR + KTCHN," Radisson Red's curiously anti-vowel bar/restaurant, will be called "Food and drink creatives." Hopefully they're just going to bring people what they ordered, like regular servers, and won't get "creative" with an artisanal something-or-other that no one asked for.
Let's call this the moment the term "creative" jumped the Sharknado while craning its neck in an attempt to suck its own dick. The noun-ified word gets used enough already, usually as a label for artists, graphic designers, people who build websites, advertisers, marketers, professional Twitter users, and the like.
And now? The guy who can tell you which one of the doors in this "hive" leads to a room where you can take a leak.
4. This tweet
5. Stop bullying the color beige
A lot of the inside of Radisson Red is painted red, a reasonable expectation for a hotel named for a primary color.
More interesting is the hotel's apparent obsession with taking down the color beige.
As Radisson Red vice president Rich Flores told the Star Tribune, "The brand is about being bold, alive, creative," thus announcing plans to overtly discriminate against potential customers who are dead.
He continues: "We wanted to fight the beige."
Radisson Red goes even further on its website, where it proclaims itself unequivocally "ANTI-BEIGE," explaining, "We have no time for beige. We're RED to the core."
How long does beige take? Will Radisson be renting out rooms in this frightening-sounding entirely red "core" of the hotel? What's wrong with Radisson Red's caps lock key?
These will be the kind of questions you can soon put to a benignly aloof tattooed young man holding an iPad. Let's hope he's creative.
Wikipedia tells us beige is actually a pretty hip, modern term for a color, having only come into common usage in the mid-19th century. Red, meanwhile, is old as shit: It's been around about 700 years, entering the modern language as a holdover from Old English. Laaaaaaaaame, amirite guys?
Come November 17, Radisson Red will be a must for people 35-or-younger-at-heart with $160 and a desire to be part of the most brand-conscious revolution since everyone was freaking out about people in Paris wearing pants.
Know what millennials really need? A little less coddling, a lot less pandering. And some sleep.
Someone should open a new hotel that just says it has really big comfortable beds.
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