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18 things my dad does on our family Zoom call

Pictured: A man who is not the author's Minnesota dad.

Pictured: A man who is not the author's Minnesota dad. Getty Images/iStockphoto

1. Does not announce himself when he enters the call.

2. Says pretty much nothing the entire call.

3. Zooms from the basement, in a separate room from my mom and brother, because that’s not the “ideal setup.”

4. Interrupts everyone’s quarantine updates by saying “Isn’t anyone going to ask how my week has been going?”

5. Waits for you to apologize and ask.

6. Replies, “Fine." Says literally nothing else.

7. Cannot and will not explain what his job is, even under normal circumstances.

8. Likes that video of Ina Garten making a gigantic cosmo.

9. Responds to any mention of President Donald Trump with a derisive “Sh’yeah. Right.”

10. Drinks Diet Mountain Dew.

11. Wears what I’m pretty sure is the same sporty navy polo shirt he had on last time.

12. Doesn’t laugh so much as nods knowingly.

13. Will not repeat what he just said.

14. Keeps the lighting low so he’s silhouetted like an anonymous whistleblower.

15. Says he’s considering investing in a lathe “for the family.”

16. Presses buttons with his middle finger.

17. Waves goodbye at the end of the call.

18. Returns to scrolling through cute animal videos on his iPad.