It snowed yesterday. It's probably still snowing a bit. It's going to snow again. Despite the fact that we deal with this every year, the snow brings a lot out of the typically reserved Minnesotan. Some people are excited while others are miserable. So at a time when there are so many different emotions swimming around the collective consciousness of our people, there is only one clear answer as to how to begin processing this sudden shift. We'd like to present 11 incredibly stupid things that Minnesotans do after it first starts snowing.
11. Forget How to Drive
Race 50 mph down a residential street. Slam on the brakes as you creep through a green light. Fishtail wildly and rear-end someone because there's this completely foreign substance known as "ice" that mysteriously covers the road. When examining Minnesota drivers during the first few weeks of snow conditions, it's hard to believe these people managed to put on shoes, much less figure out how the keys go into the ignition.
Of course, Minnesotans do manage to remember one thing about the winter: You can drive on a lake. Which is a pretty huge middle finger to nature and reality until you submerge your car because you just don't understand ice. Still.
10. Forget to Take the Bus
When you take the bus, it means you don't have to drive. When you don't have to drive, it means you stand less of a chance of killing someone. You also don't have to pay for parking!
9. Order Delivery and Not Tip
There's no elaboration needed here. Either you tip generously in difficult weather conditions or you're essentially the reason that life sucks. And no, there's never a good excuse, but if you'd like to argue, please post your picture along with your comment so we can all spit yellow phlegm in your eyes.
8. Act Like Morons With Their Dogs
Dogs are the best, right? They don't know that you sold a member of your family a car that was falling apart, or that you used to turn the thermostat all the way up at parties you crashed. Dogs have no clue you used to steal credit card numbers and once spent three days straight sending viruses to thousands of people on AOL. All they know is that you are the smartest organism they have ever met because you have thumbs. One of the few ways Minnesotans actually succeed in the winter time is by acting totally dumb with their dogs, yelling at them in shrill voices and pelting them in the snout with snowballs. It is, perhaps, the only veritably beautiful thing about Minnesotans this time of year.
Oh but wait, they also use the snow as a reason to not pick up their dog's shit as they let rotting feces seep into the groundwater.
7. Continue Dressing Like Assholes Downtown
Ah, cool. At least you wore your tennis shoes with your shimmering miniskirt. If you really get cold, you can always ask your friend to borrow his ironic neon windbreaker. Keep up the good work, everybody.
6. Attempt to Buy Everything They Have Forgotten in One Day
This is probably the worst part. We all know what we were supposed to do. You need a hat, just like last year. You need gloves, just like last year. If you drive, you need an ice scraper, just like last year. And for some reason, you don't have any of those things anymore. They're gone like that mysterious left sock. Have fun standing in line at five different convenience stores while you feebly piece your winter life together.
5. Continue Biking
Biking in the winter is one of the dumbest things that a person could do here. And how dumb it seems is the reason why we should all maintain a deep admiration of your strong constitution, perseverance, and dedication. Ride on, freaks. I'll just be over here, laying in a snow bank because I encountered these wacky things called "stairs."
4. Almost Kill Everyone By Waiting to Shovel
On that note, it's probably impossible to calculate the number of people who are injured by someone's inability to properly maintain their sidewalk. Obviously, we're all busy and we all hate shoveling, but this is a matter of good versus evil -- maybe even life and death. So get out there and shovel before it becomes a permanently sinister ice obstacle on somebody's already death-defying walk.
3. Drink Hot Alcohol
This happens in Minnesota after it snows, but not nearly enough. Please, someone open up a small eatery that serves mulled wine, hot toddies, glögg, and breakfast tacos all day.
- Talk About It. Constantly
Everyone's favorite component of winter -- whether it's a bunch of pictures of some forgettable street in Edina, lamentations about shoveling, or complaints about people complaining about people talking about the weather -- it's all unbearable. It's like going to a Chinese restaurant with your friend's parents as they compare their place-mat horoscopes, or working in a fluorescent hellhole as your bubbly co-workers talk about how they should have their own reality show. There is nothing that could ever be said about the snow that we haven't already discussed with each other.
Besides, we should all be saving our energy to survive the barrage of old white haired men who need to wink at you and ask, "COLD ENOUGH FOR YA, HUH?"
1. Finally Start Being Nice to Each Other
Despite all of our bruised knees, damp socks, and general unhappiness with trudging around through blackened crud, Minnesotans are finally able to safely and securely bond with each other. They'll spend an hour helping you dig out your car without even waiting for you to thank them, or climb up a snow bank just to give you and your friend additional room on the sidewalk. And sure, that old man's stupid joke about the weather may make you want to pull out your own eyes and eat them in a fit of rage, but at least you'll reply with a pained laugh. Don't worry. When it warms up, you can go back to staring at your feet and pretending you didn't hear them.
Follow Drew Ailes on Twitter @CountBakula before he is impaled by a giant falling icicle.