If George R. R. Martin Wrote Every TV Show Ever

George R. R. Martin took a break from killing Starks today to send us this list of the notes he would send to the producers of TV shows if he were put in charge of them. [NOTE: We made this up.] Here's what he dashed off for us, in between shouting descriptions of imaginary feasts.

My Three Sons: That's two too many.

Friends: Let's just make it Friend.

Project Runway: This week's challenge: Fashion something grand from smallclothes and boiled leather.

MoonlightingDavid Addison loses a hand; Maddie Hayes loses her blouse. Also: They're brother and sister.

G.I. Joe: You know those parachutes that save the Joes every time their jets get shot down? Let's replace those with death-shadows expelled from Lady Jaye's vagina.

Twin Peaks: The story of Roz, a Winterfell girl trying to make it in the big city.

Cheers: Horndog tavernkeep Sam Malone is haunted by dreams of his warg self, an actual horndog. Diane Chambers marries a well-spoken dwarf (Kelsey Grammar.)

HBO's Cathouse: Now with archery!

Law & Order: Contains neither.

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno: Six time the warrior is slain, and six times the Lord of Light imbues him again with unholy life.

I Love Lucy: The line dividing Lucy and Ricky's halves of the apartment is patrolled by bastards and rapists.

True Blood: Everything is 22 percent less cartoonishly bloody and gratuitous.

The Flintstones: “It's a living,” sighs a dinosaur/turntable, just before immolating its master.

Survivor: There is no survivor.

To Catch a Predator: Predator escapes, slowly becomes the hero.

Happy Days: In mid-shark jump, Fonzie is bitten in half.

Full House: Now has vacancies. Also: When Uncle Jessie marries Samantha, the sound of a blade gutting Danny Tanner turns out just to be one of Joey's amusing sound effects.

I Dream of Jeanie: Before meeting Larry Hagman, Jeanie wanders the desert for seven seasons.

The Simpsons: No changes! Like all good series, the first half should be tight, focused, and touching upon brilliance. Then, it should bloat on and on, focusing on irrelevant characters and growing increasingly tiresome and meaningless.

 
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41996 comments
Socrates Quotes
Socrates Quotes

It is one thing to be clever, but quite another to be wise. George R. R. Martin

M A Z ! N
M A Z ! N

@harthinho اي صاح George R. R. Martin زاتو قال كدا في واحدة من ال interviews العملها عموماً انا برضو ناوي ابداو كرواية في اليومين الجايات

Uta J.
Uta J.

@papercuts1 Traumlieder von George R. R. Martin und Jesus-Deal von Herrn Eschbach :-)

Alexis Rodriguez
Alexis Rodriguez

winter is coming! and by that, i mean george r.r. martin is coming to brown!!

KNells
KNells

@ErrorJustin That would be AMAZING! Your move, game developers + George R. R. Martin!

Hungry Reader!
Hungry Reader!

A mind needs books as a sword needs a whetstone, if it is to keep its edge. - George R.R. Martin

Zsolt Boros
Zsolt Boros

“A mind needs books as a sword needs a whetstone, if it is to keep its edge.” ― George R.R. Martin

Louise Rhind-Tutt
Louise Rhind-Tutt

@SpodoKomodo Full marks for me! *smug face* (Lucky guess on which George R. R. Martin one though, I didn't know that one).

Sandro Odak
Sandro Odak

In meinen Bus ist glaube ich gerade George R. R. Martin eingestiegen. Er oder sein norwegischer Zwilling. Wir werden alle sterben...

Pharaoh of the Frost
Pharaoh of the Frost

Dear Lord. Please don't let me grt as old or fat as George R.R. Martin before I get to the top. Sincerely. This Guy

Handbook 4 Teens
Handbook 4 Teens

“Some old wounds never truly heal, and bleed again at the slightest word.” ― George R.R. Martin

Lubna
Lubna

DEAR GEORGE R. R. MARTIN I THANK YOU FROM THE VEEY DEEP BOTTOM OF MY HEART FOR THE EPILOGUE OF STORM WITH SWORDS 😭😭😭♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

Joe Ragsdale
Joe Ragsdale

"Guns don't kill people... George R.R. Martin kills people" bumper sticker.

Tait Yonemitsu
Tait Yonemitsu

I swear George R. R. Martin sat in on a couple of my prof's lectures before writing GoT cuz GoT history is this class minus the dragons

Uta J.
Uta J.

@web8970 bin grad beim reinschauen. :-) George R. R. martin könnte was sein.

Bandurria
Bandurria

en realidad George R. R. Martin se refería a Arsenal-Galatasaray con la Canción de hielo y fuego...

 

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