If George R. R. Martin Wrote Every TV Show Ever

George R. R. Martin took a break from killing Starks today to send us this list of the notes he would send to the producers of TV shows if he were put in charge of them. [NOTE: We made this up.] Here's what he dashed off for us, in between shouting descriptions of imaginary feasts.

My Three Sons: That's two too many.

Friends: Let's just make it Friend.

Project Runway: This week's challenge: Fashion something grand from smallclothes and boiled leather.

MoonlightingDavid Addison loses a hand; Maddie Hayes loses her blouse. Also: They're brother and sister.

G.I. Joe: You know those parachutes that save the Joes every time their jets get shot down? Let's replace those with death-shadows expelled from Lady Jaye's vagina.

Twin Peaks: The story of Roz, a Winterfell girl trying to make it in the big city.

Cheers: Horndog tavernkeep Sam Malone is haunted by dreams of his warg self, an actual horndog. Diane Chambers marries a well-spoken dwarf (Kelsey Grammar.)

HBO's Cathouse: Now with archery!

Law & Order: Contains neither.

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno: Six time the warrior is slain, and six times the Lord of Light imbues him again with unholy life.

I Love Lucy: The line dividing Lucy and Ricky's halves of the apartment is patrolled by bastards and rapists.

True Blood: Everything is 22 percent less cartoonishly bloody and gratuitous.

The Flintstones: “It's a living,” sighs a dinosaur/turntable, just before immolating its master.

Survivor: There is no survivor.

To Catch a Predator: Predator escapes, slowly becomes the hero.

Happy Days: In mid-shark jump, Fonzie is bitten in half.

Full House: Now has vacancies. Also: When Uncle Jessie marries Samantha, the sound of a blade gutting Danny Tanner turns out just to be one of Joey's amusing sound effects.

I Dream of Jeanie: Before meeting Larry Hagman, Jeanie wanders the desert for seven seasons.

The Simpsons: No changes! Like all good series, the first half should be tight, focused, and touching upon brilliance. Then, it should bloat on and on, focusing on irrelevant characters and growing increasingly tiresome and meaningless.

 
My Voice Nation Help
28342 comments
Machine Red Gaming
Machine Red Gaming

Did George R.R. Martin Help Create Chewbacca? - New evidence has surfaced suggesting an illustration done for one ... ow.ly/2My9bL

Gamerz
Gamerz

Did George R.R. Martin Help Create Chewbacca? - New evidence has surfaced suggesting an illustration done for one ... ow.ly/2My94n

Cultbubble
Cultbubble

Did George R.R. Martin Help Create Chewbacca? - New evidence has surfaced suggesting an illustration done for one ... ht.ly/2My4HW

Brendan Ihmig
Brendan Ihmig

Did George R.R. Martin Help Create Chewbacca? - New evidence has surfaced suggesting an illustration done for one ... ow.ly/2My4k8

Laubach Literacy NB
Laubach Literacy NB

“Sleep is good, he said, And books are better.” ― George R.R. Martin

My Libreto
My Libreto

Hasta en los Premios Emmy presionan a George R.R. Martin para que termine de escribir “Canción de hielo y fuego” ht.ly/AOamz

Chris Selbe
Chris Selbe

Did George R.R. Martin Help Create Chewbacca?: A new discovery suggests Game of Thrones author George R.R. Mar... bit.ly/1wGLsbm

Chris Selbe
Chris Selbe

Did George R.R. Martin Help Create Chewbacca?: A new discovery suggests Game of Thrones author George R.R. Mar... bit.ly/1wGLsbq

Mighty Micro
Mighty Micro

Did George R.R. Martin Help Create Chewbacca?: A new discovery suggests Game of Thrones author George R.R. Mar... bit.ly/1wGLsbq

Lois Meza
Lois Meza

Did George R.R. Martin Help Create Chewbacca?: A new discovery suggests Game of Thrones author George R.R. Martin may have unwittingl...

NIRAJ AGARWAL
NIRAJ AGARWAL

Did George R.R. Martin Help Create Chewbacca?: A new discovery suggests Game of Thrones author George R.R. Mar... bit.ly/1wGLsbm

LATONYA	SHULTZ
LATONYA SHULTZ

Did George R.R. Martin Help Create Chewbacca?: A new discovery suggests Game of Thrones author George R.R. Martin may have unwittingl...

Alyssa Rivera
Alyssa Rivera

“A reader lives a thousand lives before he dies, said Jojen. The man who never reads lives only one.” - George R.R. Martin

 

Now Showing

Find capsule reviews, showtimes & tickets for all films in town.

Box Office Report

Join My Voice Nation for free stuff, film info & more!

Loading...