If George R. R. Martin Wrote Every TV Show Ever

George R. R. Martin took a break from killing Starks today to send us this list of the notes he would send to the producers of TV shows if he were put in charge of them. [NOTE: We made this up.] Here's what he dashed off for us, in between shouting descriptions of imaginary feasts.

My Three Sons: That's two too many.

Friends: Let's just make it Friend.

Project Runway: This week's challenge: Fashion something grand from smallclothes and boiled leather.

MoonlightingDavid Addison loses a hand; Maddie Hayes loses her blouse. Also: They're brother and sister.

G.I. Joe: You know those parachutes that save the Joes every time their jets get shot down? Let's replace those with death-shadows expelled from Lady Jaye's vagina.

Twin Peaks: The story of Roz, a Winterfell girl trying to make it in the big city.

Cheers: Horndog tavernkeep Sam Malone is haunted by dreams of his warg self, an actual horndog. Diane Chambers marries a well-spoken dwarf (Kelsey Grammar.)

HBO's Cathouse: Now with archery!

Law & Order: Contains neither.

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno: Six time the warrior is slain, and six times the Lord of Light imbues him again with unholy life.

I Love Lucy: The line dividing Lucy and Ricky's halves of the apartment is patrolled by bastards and rapists.

True Blood: Everything is 22 percent less cartoonishly bloody and gratuitous.

The Flintstones: “It's a living,” sighs a dinosaur/turntable, just before immolating its master.

Survivor: There is no survivor.

To Catch a Predator: Predator escapes, slowly becomes the hero.

Happy Days: In mid-shark jump, Fonzie is bitten in half.

Full House: Now has vacancies. Also: When Uncle Jessie marries Samantha, the sound of a blade gutting Danny Tanner turns out just to be one of Joey's amusing sound effects.

I Dream of Jeanie: Before meeting Larry Hagman, Jeanie wanders the desert for seven seasons.

The Simpsons: No changes! Like all good series, the first half should be tight, focused, and touching upon brilliance. Then, it should bloat on and on, focusing on irrelevant characters and growing increasingly tiresome and meaningless.

 
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Scarlett
Scarlett

Never forget what you are, for surely the world will not. Make it your strength. Then it can never be your weakness. George R.R. Martin

The Champion's Mind
The Champion's Mind

"Never forget what you are, for surely the world will not. Make it your strength. Then it can never be your weakness." ~ George R.R. Martin

THE CHAMPION'S MIND
THE CHAMPION'S MIND

"Never forget what you are, for surely the world will not. Make it your strength. Then it can never be your weakness." ~ George R.R. Martin

Soccer Psychology
Soccer Psychology

"Never forget what you are, for surely the world will not. Make it your strength. Then it can never be your weakness." ~ George R.R. Martin

THE CHAMPION'S MIND
THE CHAMPION'S MIND

"Never forget what you are, for surely the world will not. Make it your strength. Then it can never be your weakness." ~ George R.R. Martin

The Champion's Mind
The Champion's Mind

"Never forget what you are, for surely the world will not. Make it your strength. Then it can never be your weakness." ~ George R.R. Martin

Los Libros SME
Los Libros SME

Especial: "Wild Cards I" - George R.R. Martin. - Fragmentos e imágenes - ¿Piensan que es el final? Para... fb.me/6MN53XRfK

arie
arie

CVC Diverts Medical Resources To Keeping George R. R. Martin Alive Long Enough To Finish 11th And, Reputedly, Final B zomby.me

TV Cynics
TV Cynics

The Latest TV News: You Can Meet George R.R. Martin By Donating to a Democratic Senator's Campaign ift.tt/1rbHSR8

Julia
Julia

"Hahahaha fuck you all for reading this shit, it's not even real." And with that, George R.R. Martin concluded the Song of Ice & Fire series

 

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