By Jesse Marx
By Chris Parker
By Jake Rossen
By Jesse Marx
By Michelle LeBow
By Alleen Brown
By Maggie LaMaack
By CP Staff
Next week, the Republican Party will convene in Tampa to plot world domination. And you're feeling left out.
Yes, you badly want in on the ground floor of the next culture war or invasion of a small, preferably Muslim country. Yet the GOP speaks in an elusive language only its followers understand. With just a few coded words, it's able to mobilize the loyalists — while simultaneously dismissing everyone else as un-American and quite possibly queer.
Rosetta Stone offers no help, for this is a dialect only deciphered with written authorization from Jesus or Goldman Sachs. You worry the march to godliness will go forth without you. You'll be left behind with Rosie O'Donnell and those eco-fairies who bicycle to work.
Yet a recently leaked glossary lays bare the mystery of the Republican tongue. Now you too can speak with the superiority of talk radio hosts and pissed-off old guys who live in mobile home parks on the outskirts of Jacksonville. Enjoy your seat at the right hand of God!
Abortion: Reproductive issue best decided by preachers from rural Georgia who believe babies are conceived by using public restrooms.
American: True patriot who hates all the right things, including but not exclusive to: taxes, unbreaded chicken, California, female sportscasters, the Toyota Prius, people who speak Mexican, BET, free range vegetables, public radio, Al Sharpton, whales...
Bain Capital: Massachusetts investment firm celebrated for providing investors with huge returns by laying off thousands of workers, cutting health care benefits, and shipping jobs to those places where foreigners live. Will serve as the model for U.S. economic recovery once the infidel is smited.
Bible: Historical novel starring omnipotent being who sentences others to eternal damnation unless they do what he says. Think of Pat Robertson, only with a hillbilly beard and the ability to part seas.
Chick-fil-A: Baptist version of eating kosher. Only sells chickens that have provided a documented history of heterosexuality to a commission of small-town Chamber of Commerce officials.
Christian Persecution: When school board bars teacher from conducting faith-healing sessions in his seventh-grade biology class.
Class Warfare: Indefensible act of pitting America against the wealthy, but perfectly reasonable when mocking moms on welfare so they'll finally learn not to wear spandex with a butt that size.
College: American version of Maoist reeducation camp, where liberal professors encourage impressionable youth to enjoy critical thinking, Jager shots, and recreational intercourse.
Constitutional Conservatism: Belief that our founding document should be strictly interpreted — even though it was written by guys who wore wigs and capri pants but were definitely not trannies, since that hadn't even been invented yet.
Entitlement Society: Large corporations who demand public subsidies every time they build a facility, move their headquarters, or threaten to relocate to Botswana or Mississippi. Wait. No. Scratch that.
Environment: Convenient place to dump car batteries and kitchen appliances. While lamestream media insists on its preservation, studies by the business faculty at Liberty University prove that beavers actually like swimming in hydrochloric acid because it improves their skin tone.
Founding Fathers: Early visionaries who built a start-up country to escape the tyranny of England. Based on the theory that we could more cost-effectively do our own tyranny.
Global Warming: Theory shared by 99 percent of the world's scientists that manmade pollution is warming the Earth's atmosphere. Easily discredited by pointing to that one day in February when it was pretty cold.
Gotcha Journalism: Shameful media practice pioneered by Katie Couric in which she uses duplicitous interview tactics — often called "questions" — to get vice presidential candidates to admit they can't read.
Homosexual Agenda: Conspiracy co-chaired by Satan and Neil Patrick Harris to convince America's youth to quit football and pursue careers as botanists and defense lawyers.
Illegals: American slang for "Mexican." Also: Anyone skilled in the operation of a leaf blower.
Job Creators: People who pay half the tax rate you do because God likes them way better. Deserving of further deductions because the gardener is asking for $4.25 an hour and Sundays off.
Obamacare: Theory that all Americans deserve health coverage, when they could just as easily rub some dirt on it.
Radical Feminists: Secret cabal of WNBA season ticketholders seeking to usurp the natural role of men as the boss of everything. Need to shut up and vacuum the living room.
Science: Discredited field of study practiced by sissies at northern liberal arts schools that suck at football.
Traditional Marriage: A union between a man and woman who argue over a period of three to seven years, then separate and file unflattering paperwork about each other. Repeat cycle as necessary.
Values Voters: People willing to be economically sodomized as long as we keep bagging on the homos and the wetbacks.