How to Speak Republican

Second Amendment: The God-given right to carry an assault rifle to Sunday brunch at Applebee's just in case there's a kid wearing a hoodie.

Tea Party: People who hate socialism and government entitlements but live off Social Security and Medicare because stuff like that doesn't really count.

Traditional Marriage: A union between a man and woman who argue over a period of three to seven years, then separate and file unflattering paperwork about each other. Repeat cycle as necessary.

Values Voters: People willing to be economically sodomized as long as we keep bagging on the homos and the wetbacks.