By Jesse Marx
By Chris Parker
By Jake Rossen
By Jesse Marx
By Michelle LeBow
By Alleen Brown
By Maggie LaMaack
By CP Staff
One final day. One final speech. The most famous POW gets to tell his tale of POWing to the masses. Bring your chips and popcorn. Bristol, hold hands with Levi.
6:15 Sheesh, these dudes are coming and going faster than Harriet Miers during the Supreme Court nomination process. The Republicans are unleashing their clones.
6:18 Clone 4 takes the stage. He looks like Doogie Howser. He entered a congressional race with the odds stacked against him: Black people were in his district. But he won the race by 227 votes. Booyah!
6:19 Doogie says once more that he is popular with black people. Unfortunately, the lone black person in the audience cannot confirm this.
6:25 Nevada clone says that John McCain knows freedom. McCain is about one story away from becoming Chuck Norris. Actually, he's already there: Did you hear that back in his Air Force days, John McCain went to the Virgin Islands? Yeah, after his visit they just called them the Islands.
6:31 Mitch McConnell announces that there is only one nominee for vice president. He does the deed by nominating Sarah Palin. Somewhere Tim Pawlenty is crying. "I vetoed bills 34 times for nothing?"
6:33 "Hockey moms of the world unite!" (PSA: Do not let your daughter go steady with the local team's goon.)
6:34 Alaska delegation going bonkers. Someone needs to shoot a moose, quick. They all wear hard hats and neon work vests. "Drill, baby! Drill!" they chant. (Not you, Levi.)
6:42 "Barracuda" blasts over the speakers. Republicans heart Heart.
6:57 Black guy on the stage. I repeat: Black guy on the stage.
7:06 Tim Pawlenty in the house. "Put our country first." Someone told him he's not the VP choice, right? "Put our country first!" Did anyone tell this guy about Palin yet? "Put our country first!" Someone told this guy he got passed up for a gun-toting, bassackwards Alaskan beauty queen, didn't they?
7:22 No idea who this female speaker is, but her speech is like the 40 or so before. Step 1: John McCain got beat. Step 2: John McCain got character. Step 3: John McCain got his groove back. Step 4: John McCain stars in romantic comedy with Whoopi Goldberg. Whoops. Shit. Didn't want to give away the ending...sorry.
7:30 Crowd has absurd amount of homemade McCain signs that were made at home by the McCain campaign. Those interns did a bang-up job. Maybe they subcontracted them out to some fifth-grade illegals.
7:37 Speaker asks us to remember the big stick of Teddy Roosevelt. McCain's mom is the only one nodding.
7:38 Speaker just uttered the word "haters." That Daddy Yankee endorsement is really doing something to the GOP.
7:39 Video: Muslim haters. Dark people appear on the screen.
7:42 Video ends. U-S-A chants begin.
8:00 Lindsey Graham says Obama sucks. He lets the terrorists win. But not John McCain. He wants to beat those beards back into their caves. Lindsey introduces a film about Sarah Palin, a.k.a. "Caribou Barbie."
8:17 Tom Ridge tells the story about McCain in the primary. It's like the story of The Natural. At any moment, a baseball will strike Mitt Romney and sparks will fly out of his head.
8:29 Video: Cindy Lou McCain, the everyday Budweiser heiress next door.
8:30 The Palin family shows up. Bristol and Levi are holding hands again.
8:35 The McCains make their appearance. Cindy introduces the family. Boys have perfect high and tight haircuts. Cindy tells the government to get out of our way.
8:35:01 Government moves.
8:50 Bristol and Levi stand. They release their grip to clap. Bristol and Levi sit down. They immediately hold hands once more.
8:55 It ends. It finally ends. People begin to wake up from their Cindy-induced coma.
9:04 Video: McCain the war hero. It's like something from the History Channel. It reminds the audience that this guy is old. He is ready to lead. But if he wins and then croaks early, the country is in the hands of Palin, who is ready to shotgun beers off the First Dude's Arctic Cat.
9:13 or maybe 9:11 John McCain walks into the center of Xcel. Cheers. Claps. The electronic flag waves in the background.
9:19 Is McCain standing in front of a green screen on purpose? Is this a shout-out to Steven Colbert?
9:55 Finally, McCain talks about his POW moment. The story of all stories comes from the dude who lived it. Can McCain's yarn about McCain top everyone else's yarn on McCain? Maybe.
9:59 Crowd is eating up this story. It's the story about McCain being a POW and falling in love with his country. It's a good story. Have you heard about it? You know, the McCain POW story?
10:03 McCain starts saying the words "Fight with me!" again and again and this crowd is severely drunk right now off his POW story.
10:05 Speech ends. McCain starts waving. "We're All Just Raising McCain!" blasts through the speakers. The McCain and Palin families walk out onto the stage.
10:06 Balloons drop from the ceiling. Levi cusses himself for not wrapping it up.