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Physical Characteristics: Usually found prostrate and eager to hand away cash. Faints easily around charismatic leader.
Natural Habitat: That obscure channel you turned to at 2:37 a.m. and watched for two hours only to be disappointed that the guy wasn't selling a salad spinner.
Personal Disposition: Devout.
Evolutionary Purpose: Eradicate pleasure, smite the demons of progress.
Place on the Food Chain: Missing link.
Feeding Behavior: Parasitic—they eat and drink the body and blood of their host.
Mating Call: "We don't need Barack Obama to do something Jesus did 2,000 years ago."
Weapon of Choice: Fear, guilt, and the Church of Latter Day Saints.
Your Best Defense: Shameless vice, Jews.
Danger Level: Harmless to white, heterosexual men. All others: Look out!
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