Nomadic Hookers

Physical Characteristics: Can a mouth really do that?

Natural Habitat: Though mostly nocturnal creatures, they can regularly be seen in the daylight, shopping in the perfume aisle at Walgreens.

Ward Sutton

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More About

• John McCain

Personal Disposition: Loose.

Evolutionary Purpose: To provide freaky sex to the people who want to make your freaky sex illegal.

Place on the Food Chain: On the top, on the bottom, even from behind—it's your hour.

Feeding Behavior: They excite their prey into directly entering the mouth.

Mating Call: "I got something to stimulate your economy!"

Weapon of Choice: High-heeled shoes, electric-blue mascara, and boobs—the big kind that don't sag.

Your Best Defense: Dignity, self-respect.

Danger Level: Symptoms that can develop over time include itching, unusual growths, and—wait, never mind, that's John McCain's melanoma.

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