Delegates

Physical Characteristics: Between 4'8" and 6'9" in height, between 18 and 98 years old, Caucasian.

Natural Habitat: Xcel Energy Center and nearby dens of depravity.

Ward Sutton

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Personal Disposition: Resigned to shacking up with a wrinkly old war hero.

Evolutionary Purpose: To perpetuate the illusion of a participatory democracy.

Place on the Food Chain: In the scripted event that is the RNC, they're the studio audience.

Feeding Behavior: Funnel fed like foie gras ducks.

Mating Call: "MAC IS BACK! MAC IS BACK! MAC IS BACK!"

Weapon of Choice: Straw hats, button vests, flag lapel pins, cardboard signs, and their unblinking resolve to travel hundreds of miles to participate in meaningless political theater.

Your Best Defense: Feigning interest.

Danger Level: Delegates have been domesticated and in 2008 are harmless political animals as long as you pet and feed them regularly.

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