Broadcast Media

Fakeasmilus permanenti

Physical Characteristics: Upward-slanted eyebrows framed over beady, TelePrompTer-gazing eyes (what's known in the business as "the Hannity Aesthetic").

Natural Habitat: Echo chambers.

Personal Disposition: Smug.

Ward Sutton

Evolutionary Purpose: To hold your attention between cell phone ads.

Place on the Food Chain: Just below bloggers, just above paparazzi.

Feeding Behavior: Pack eaters. Even the most inane slice of political bunkum has been known to throw these mic-wielding predators into feeding frenzies.

Mating Call: "As the most trusted name in news, we are now joined by the best political team on television, because more Americans get their news from us than from any other source."

Weapon of Choice: Glitzy, hyper-patriotic graphics; awkward banter between segments.

Your Best Defense: Literacy, critical thinking.

Danger Level: Prolonged viewing may cause existential angst, couch fatigue, and the notion that Lindsay Lohan's sexual orientation is somehow news.

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