Anderson Cooper

Newscasteri closetidmus

Physical Characteristics: Gray-haired, well built, and impeccably moisturized.

Natural Habitat: War-torn regions within close proximity to beachfront cabanas.

Personal Disposition: Cocky.

Evolutionary Purpose: To show the world that genocide is bad, but can look strangely sexy presented by a sweaty hunk in a muscle shirt.

Place on the Food Chain: Just below Tom Brokaw, just above George Michael—sometimes literally.

Feeding Behavior: Insatiable. Grazes for 24-hour news cycle, then purges for 60 Minutes.

Mating Call: "Excuse me. Excuse me, Senator. Sorry to interrupt, but I've just received breaking news that Barack Obama just shook hands with a Muslim."

Weapon of Choice: Steely glare followed by deep, repetitive, penetrating...questions?

Your Best Defense: A steady diet of hockey.

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