By Jake Rossen
By Jesse Marx
By Michelle LeBow
By Alleen Brown
By Maggie LaMaack
By CP Staff
By Jesse Marx
ARIES (March 21-April 19): Since authoring the book Brazen Careerist: The New Rules for Success, Penelope Trunk has written a blog that offers further advice. Recently she wrote about a subject I'd love for you to think about: mentors. You're in a phase when you have a heightened knack for identifying and attracting and learning from the guides you need. Here's one of Trunk's most crucial points: To take maximum advantage of your teachers, ask them what questions you should be asking them. Don't assume you always know what you need to find out. (You can read Trunk's post at tinyurl.com/5ofj9x.)
TAURUS (April 20-May 20): "Woodsman Claims: 'Lady Bigfoot Kept Me as Her Love Slave!'" That was the headline of a report in the Weekly World News. In addition to providing fascinating details about the man's captivity, the article also had a helpful section on the jobs most likely to get someone kidnapped by a female sasquatch. They included lumberjack, surveyor, landscape artist, and ornithologist. In my astrological opinion, that list should be amended, at least for the next few weeks, to note that Taurus lumberjacks, surveyors, landscape artists, and ornithologists are especially susceptible. Why do I say that? Because according to my projections, many of you Tauruses will be swept up in or profoundly influenced by powerful feminine energy.
GEMINI (May 21-June 20): "The truth is always more interesting that your preconception of what it might be," says author Steven Levy. Journalists "should not have the stories written out in their heads before they report them. Preconceptions can blind you to the full, rich human reality that awaits you when you actually listen to your subjects and approach the material with an open mind." I think that's an excellent strategy to use even if you're not a journalist – and especially for you right now, while you're in a phase when the healing shock of the new is available everywhere you go.
CANCER (June 21-July 22): Whatever you do, Cancerian, DON'T open the door of that closet that hasn't been opened in years. DON'T poke your nose into the funny business that has been going on behind the scenes. DON'T peek inside Pandora's other box, or pick the fruit of temptation off the tree of knowledge, or rush in, like a trusting fool, where angels fear to tread. DON'T do any of these controversial, forbidden things, my dear Crab – unless you want to risk embarking on some enigmatic, elemental, enlightening adventures.
LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): I happen to like The Bees Made Honey in the Lion's Skull, a CD by sludge rockers Earth. But I'm not urging you to get a copy of it so much as I'm suggesting that you carry out a metaphorical equivalent of what the album's title describes. This is a perfect time for you to create something sweet in a situation that once scared the sleep out of you.
VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): In the ancient text known as the Sutra of Forty-Two Chapters, the Buddha is quoted as saying, "My doctrine is to think the thought that is unthinkable, to practice the deed that is unperformable, to speak the speech that is inexpressible, and to be trained in the discipline that is beyond discipline." Those happen to be your tough assignments in the coming week, Virgo. You will actually have a good chance at succeeding if you refuse to be excessively sober and serious in your approach. The more fun you have and the more playful your style is, the greater the likelihood is that you will pull off subtle yet spectacular feats that may seem impossible to more no-nonsense people.
LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): "Dear Dr. Brezsny: I love my weekly dose of astrological wit, but I've got to say that if I had all the fun and revelry you predict, I wouldn't be a morose meandering malcontent, as I am now. And if I had even half of the flirting and romance that your prophecies promise, I certainly wouldn't be home on Saturday nights playing World of Warcraft. I must conclude that you're living in a different dimension than I am. So how do I get over there to where you are? - Up-in-the-Air Libra." Dear Up-in-the-Air: Funny you should mention this. Due to a rare crack in the space-time continuum, there's currently a wormhole between my dimension and the dimension where up-in-the-air Libras live. Come on over! You'll know you're near the portal when you feel an urge to exuberantly leap up off your feet for no reason.
SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Please join me in a boycott of horoscope columns and astrology books that insinuate all Scorpios are cruel, perverted, power-mad jealousy freaks. Let's refuse to read those propagandists until they cease and desist from brainwashing the masses into directing bigotry toward your tribe. It's true that there are some less-evolved Scorpios who speed up their cars to run over small animals and treat romance as a game in which there can be only one winner. But do we demonize all scientists simply because a few mad physicists created weapons of mass destruction? Of course not. I hereby proclaim June to be Scorpio Pride Month – a time to celebrate your winning qualities, especially your unparalleled skill at helping to activate the dormant potentials of people you care about. Promise me you'll do that even more intensely than usual.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): "Take time to stop and smell the flowers," says an old homily. Albert Hoffman, the Swiss scientist who discovered LSD and lived to age 102, had a different approach. "Take the time to stop and be the flowers," he said. That's my advice to you, Sagittarius. Don't just set aside a few stolen moments to sniff the snapdragons, taste the rain, chase the wind, watch the hummingbirds, and listen to a friend. Use your imagination to actually BE the snapdragons and rain and wind and hummingbirds and friend. It's time to not just behold the Other, but to become the Other.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): What Martin Luther King Jr. said about epic struggles in the political arena is also apt for you in your private life, especially now: "Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that." I recommend that you translate his advice into the intimate details of your relationships. If you really do that with the irresistible force of your burning conviction, you will prove another one of King's excellent thoughts: "Unarmed truth and unconditional love will have the final word in reality.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Scientists used to believe that a butterfly has no recollection of its previous life as a caterpillar. The pupa breaks down into primal goo during its metamorphosis, they said, erasing all trace of its caterpillar brain. But new research suggests that there is in fact continuity. At least some of what the caterpillar learned remains available to the butterfly. As you carry out your own personal mutation in the coming months, Aquarius, I believe you will experience a similar process, thus ensuring that the New You has most of the wisdom that the Old You possessed.
PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): It's Blame All Your Problems on God Week. You have license to shun responsibility for the pain you feel and the messes you've made, and instead ascribe it all to the Divine Mischief Maker. The secret of achieving success in this enterprise is to act as if your dilemmas really do have nothing to do with anything you've done, but have been entirely caused by God's mistakes, his intentional cruelty, or his wicked sense of humor. By the way, Accept Total Responsibility for Your Problems Week is coming up next, and to observe that holiday correctly you will have to be thoroughly sincere about this week's. P.S. It's crucial that you really do blame everything on God, and not on actual human beings. P.P.S. If you're an atheist, it's Blame All Your Problems on Your Parents Week.
In addition to this column, Rob Brezsny offers EXPANDED WEEKLY AUDIO HOROSCOPES and DAILY TEXT MESSAGE HOROSCOPES designed to inspire you. To buy access, go to RealAstrology.com.