By Jesse Marx
By Chris Parker
By Jake Rossen
By Jesse Marx
By Michelle LeBow
By Alleen Brown
By Maggie LaMaack
By CP Staff
ARIES (March 21-April 19): After working for years in various jobs at San Francisco TV station KTVU, Frank Sommerville was promoted to the top of the heap – lead anchorman of the 10 o'clock news program. He promised that his new power wouldn't make him lazy or complacent. "Nobody will out-curious me," he bragged. I hope you will adopt the same motto for the foreseeable future, Aries. Your world needs you to be intensely inquisitive about what's transpiring. Uncoincidentally, asking lots of smart questions (and even some dumb ones) will also be the best possible thing you can do for your mental health.
TAURUS (April 20-May 20): "The Irish don't know what they want and are prepared to fight for it," said British attorney Sidney Littlewood. I don't endorse that assertion, since it's an offensive ethnic stereotype, but I do want to borrow it to create a cautionary message for you. Please make sure that in the upcoming weeks no one can say to you, "You don't know what you want and yet you are prepared to fight for it." I definitely hope you aggressively champion an idea you believe in or a dream you care about, but you should get clearer about what exactly it is.
GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Giuseppe Rebaudi and Silvie Basain started dating in 1952. This year they finally decided to take the next step. After a 56-year courtship, the 101-year-old Italian man wed his 98-year-old girlfriend. I predict that a comparable event will bless your love life in the second half of 2008, Gemini. Some romantic development that has been in the works for a long time will finally ripen into its full expression. Expect news about this soon.
CANCER (June 21-July 22): If you're normal, you periodically feel little surges of anger that you don't express. Over time they may accumulate into a mass of blind rage that can hurt innocent bystanders, damage your relationships, and tempt you to punch holes in walls. Is there a way to keep this from happening? Yes, there is: It's my patented Laughing Tantrum Release Therapy, a five-minute ritual that you perform once a week in a private place with no witnesses. For four minutes, you fume, seethe, curse, and yell. For the final 60 seconds, you compel yourself to laugh uncontrollably. This week would be an excellent time to start integrating Laughing Tantrum Release Therapy into your routine.
LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Guerrilla gardening is my favorite kind of prank: a benevolent one. The practitioners of this growing global movement are fertility agitators who sneak onto unused fields under cover of broad daylight, often in urban landscapes, and cultivate flowers, herbs, and food crops. In accordance with the astrological omens, I recommend that you experiment with a metaphorically similar project in the upcoming weeks. Without necessarily seeking permission or expecting appreciation, cultivate beauty and value in a place that's neglected or going to waste.
VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): "Dear Star-Reader Brezsny: You are the only wizard who can save me. I have a bad job – just $72,000 a year – plus a lover who's not all that cute and a home that's not worth as much as it used to be. My health is good but I hate my nose and ass. Can't afford a BMW or a vacation to Spain. My world is unraveling! Hope is fading! Please tell me what to do! - Virgo on the Verge." Dear On the Verge: I suggest that you temporarily suspend your strident yearning. This is one time when it's important to cultivate more appreciation for what you actually have. I urge you and all Virgos to turn your attention away from what you think you lack, and devote your psychic energy to loving what is.
LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Even if you're not sick, you need some medicine. What kind of medicine? The kind that can transform what's pretty good about your life into something that's really great; the kind that will super-animate your merely average efforts and blast you free of any lackadaisical attitudes you've come to accept as reasonable. This medicine won't come in the form of a pill or a potion, but rather will be produced by your own body if and when you slip away from your comfort zone and go out to play in the frontier. Be your own doctor, Libra. Break your own trance. Crack your own code. Escape your own mind games.
SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Your life in the coming weeks may resemble a dream of sailing deep beneath the waves in a yellow submarine where a nonstop party is going on. It'll be as if you're plowing through deep, heavy, murky waters inside a brightly-lit high-tech vessel that is controlled by slightly chaotic connoisseurs of fun. You may feel a bit claustrophobic, but that could encourage your imagination to run wild, which will be a good thing as long as you don't believe everything it tells you. In conclusion, Scorpio, get ready for entertaining adventures that will range from being a bit creepy to totally delicious.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): During America's first war on Iraq in 1991, I prophesied that one day there'd be a Disneyland in Baghdad. It was a surrealistically sardonic send-up of my native country's imperialism. But now, 17 years later, my absurd prediction is coming true. The same American company that designed the original Disneyland has announced plans to build the Baghdad Zoo and Entertainment Experience. If workers survive bombing, looting, and sniper fire, the first part of the 50-acre amusement park will open this year. While I question whether building a monument to fun is a good idea in an actual war zone, it's an excellent metaphor for you to apply to your personal life. Even if you can't extinguish a certain conflict that has been raging, try to introduce a spirit of play into the proceedings.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): I'm issuing a too-much-of-a-good-thing warning. Soaking up too much pleasure could dilute the value of your bliss. Expressing too much personal power could scare away valuable allies who are competent but not entirely confident. Pushing too hard on behalf of your creative pragmatism could subtly undermine the labor of love you've worked so hard on. Therefore, Capricorn, please accept my invitation to enjoy a period of rest and assimilation. You can return later for another round of pure intensity.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Studies show that at least half the population would give up sex for a few months if they'd be rewarded for their abstinence with a free 60-inch plasma TV. But if you're offered a deal like that anytime soon, Aquarius, I suggest you reject it. According to my analysis of the omens, it will be crucial to your mental, physical, and spiritual health to have regular erotic experiences during the coming weeks. If you don't have a partner, have fun with your invisible muse, the angel in your dreams, or your personal version of God or Goddess.
PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): A professional dominatrix I know says that many of her clients are men whose jobs give them excessive authority over other people. When she's bossing around these honchos, she sees herself as an agent of karmic correction, counteracting a dangerous lopsidedness in their psyches. I bring this up, Pisces, because you're in a phase when you should rectify any imbalance of power that exists in your own sphere. If you're a swaggering alpha male or female, put in a stint as a humble servant. If you're normally a timid soul, flex your willpower with feisty abandon. If you're neither a control freak nor a doormat – and thus have no karma to balance – spend quality time meditating on how to gain more power over the wild ebbs and flows of your imagination.