By Jake Rossen
By Jesse Marx
By Michelle LeBow
By Alleen Brown
By Maggie LaMaack
By CP Staff
By Jesse Marx
I am a 28-year-old straight girl two years into my first marriage. New job, new home, and new city 1,200 miles from my closest friends. It was really lonely at first, not knowing anyone nearby. Plus, Hubby is far less social than I am, and has not gone out of his way to help us make any friends to hang out with. He's happiest at home on the couch, in front of a good movie, which is how we spend a lot of our time.
Adding to that is the fact that Hubby is now working late nights. I've spent a lot of lonely Fridays and Saturdays at home. A hot bath coupled with a good book is fun only so often before it becomes pathetic. Enter Elaine. She's my running/workout buddy, my wine-bar buddy, and happens to be a lesbian. She recently split with her partner of eight years, and as a result, we've been going out a lot more often.
Hubby is not happy. He feels threatened by Elaine's lesbianness, and equates it to me hanging out with a single straight guy. I did have a couple of straight-but-drunk escapades with women WAY back in college (hubby knows), but I am not gay, not interested, and NOT A CHEATER. Plus, I am simply not Elaine's type. She has never once come on to me, nor has she said/done anything that hinted at an other-than-friendly relationship. How can I convince Hubby that my friendship with Elaine is platonic and nonthreatening? And keep him from pouting and griping every time I mention her name? She's the only friend I have.
Sick Of Being Home Alone
It might help, SOBHA, if you didn't use inelegant phrases like "two years into my first marriage," unless you mean to imply that second, third, or fourth marriages are in your future. If I ran around introducing my boyfriend to people as "my current boyfriend" it might give him a complex, too. Just sayin'.
Here's how you set your husband at ease about Elaine: Keep doing what you're doing—all of you. You get to hang out with Elaine, which is within your rights (married people are allowed to have friends and nights out); he gets to grumble about it, which is within his rights (married people are allowed to have feelings and insecurities). Only the passage of time—along with regularly offered reassurances, your acquisition of other friends, and Elaine's eventual acquisition of a new girlfriend—will convince your husband that Elaine's intentions toward you are merely friendly, and that you're not itching to eat pussy for old time's sake.
It would also help if your husband spent some time hanging out with you and Elaine. Invite her over for one of those on-the-couch movie nights. And if Elaine isn't willing to hang out with your husband—if she's not willing to do what she can to set him at ease—then your husband's suspicions about her intentions may not be entirely irrational.
Recently I brought up the idea of adding a little kink to my boyfriend's and my sex life. Nothing extreme—just some light bondage and some toys. A simple "No, I'm not interested" I would understand, but he freaked the fuck out. He got angry, saying that he didn't know I was a "freak who was into sick shit." The next day he called me like nothing had happened and I've been hesitant to bring it up ever since. We have been dating for a few months, and he seemed like a nice guy, not some sexually conservative nut job. I don't know what caused his freak-out and I don't know whether I should head for the hills or what.
Slightly Kinky Lady
What caused his freak-out? Dunno. Your boyfriend could be insecure or repressed or uninterested in kink. And any or all of that would be fine, SKL, and something you might be able to work with or around, if your boyfriend were capable of discussing his insecurities, repression, and/or disinterest without resorting to sexual shaming and emotional abuse. While I would never advise someone to run from a good, decent, vanilla boyfriend, that is precisely what I would advise someone whose boyfriend resorts to emotional abuse to shut down a conversation about the sex life he shares with his girlfriend—that's shares, not owns.
But before you head for the hills, SKL, give the asshole a chance to redeem himself. Perhaps he feels bad about freaking out and is too embarrassed, ashamed, or clueless to broach the subject. So sit him down and say exactly this—yes, memorize it—to him: "What you did to me the other night was abusive and unfair. Lovers should be able to talk openly about their sexual interests. So let's try it again: I'm interested in some light kink. If you're not, that's cool. But there's nothing wrong with me. If you're not willing to meet my needs, or if you feel that my kinks give you the right to treat me like shit, then there's something wrong with you."