By Jesse Marx
By Chris Parker
By Jake Rossen
By Jesse Marx
By Michelle LeBow
By Alleen Brown
By Maggie LaMaack
By CP Staff
ARIES (March 21-April 19): "Men should be barred from holding public office for 100 years," says billionaire Ted Turner. "Men have been running the world for too long and they've made a mess of it." If women were in charge, he adds, "It would be a much more peaceful, prosperous, equitable world in a very short period of time. You'd have a huge shift away from military budgets and into education and health care." I agree with everything Turner said except when he implied that men should be prohibited from serving. That's totalitarian, the exact opposite of what I trust a feminine majority would usher in. From an astrological perspective, by the way, 2008 is prime time to move forcefully in the direction of bringing more women into power. And it so happens that Aries people of both genders are best able to lead the way. To jumpstart your ability to fulfill this potential, I urge you to take three actions in the coming week to foster female authority. Men, you may devote two of these to boosting your inner woman.
TAURUS (April 20-May 20): Musician Chuck Prophet has artistic integrity even if he isn't a mega-star. He keeps making records that are inspired by his creative urges rather than by a lust for fame and riches. At age 43, he still tours all over creation, performing in small and mid-size clubs. "I have a dark need to drive around the world in a van like I'm 22," he told the San Francisco Chronicle. "And I'm good at it, too. I'm good at staring out of a window for long stretches." Prophet's your role model in the coming week, Taurus. I hope he inspires you to do whatever's necessary as you go about the business of promoting what you love to do with dogged integrity.
GEMINI (May 21-June 20): I've got some of the strangest good news you've ever heard. Ready to open your mind to the odd opportunities? Get this: 1. Your wild speculations could serve you better than your educated guesses. 2. Your experimental urges might be smarter than your cautious plans. 3. Your "stumbles" may lead you to brilliant detours. 4. You just may be able to create lucky breaks out of apparent mistakes.
CANCER (June 21-July 22): The World Dream Bank (WorldDreamBank.org) collects tales recorded by spirited dreamers. I'd like to call your attention to one of those dreams, because you'll benefit from entertaining similar themes. Here's a paraphrased report: "I dreamed I was a telepathic teenage unicorn with five hearts. My lesbian twin, an untameable mare from the Middle of Nowhere Desert, came to join me, as did my best friend, a cute Tyrannosaurus Rex doctor on roller skates. We built a boat and sailed off into a warm red sea, headed towards a rite of passage that we looked forward to as a fun adventure. We passed a buoy with a sign that said, 'Beware of Insane Swimming Bunnies.' We weren't scared in the least. We had packets of magic confetti that we knew would make the bunnies sane."
LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Tibetans use the phrase "Gadrii nombor shulen jongu," which literally means "to give a green answer to a blue question." It's what happens when a person offers a reply that is unrelated to the question that has been asked. This is an apt description of a certain situation you're either dealing with now or will soon be. It may be that someone close to you is responding with irrelevant answers to your piercing inquiries. Or it might be that you have misunderstood a mystery that a friend has presented to you. A third possibility: A question you've been asking yourself is the wrong question. (Thanks to the book Toujours Tingo for the Tibetan phrase: http://tinyurl.com/2sgv6z.)
VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): "Success means controlling your own time," observed actor Rod Steiger. "If you gain control over 60 percent of the time in your life, you are really successful." in 2008, Virgo, you will have far more power than you've had before to fulfill this definition of success. And right now you happen to be in a phase of your astrological cycle when your hard work toward this goal will have maximum impact. The ironic fact of the matter is that it's an ideal time to slave away in behalf of greater freedom.
LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): "When it comes time to do your own life," wrote author Rosellen Brown in her book Civil Wars, "you either perpetuate your childhood or you stand on it and finally kick it out from under." According to my analysis of the omens, Libra, you will, sometime in 2008, reach the pivotal point Brown referred to. And the coming weeks could be a big turning point. So which way will you go?
SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): The Onion newspaper cites a government study showing that America's top product isn't cars, corn, pot, or porn, but rather rich, buttery goodness. "Soaring demand among consumers for the melt-in-your-mouth sensation of buttery goodness meant that more then 32 million tons were manufactured and consumed last year," the report said. I advise you to make that experience a top priority in the coming week, Scorpio -- even if you're normally a bigger fan of what The Onion terms "crispety-crunchitiness" or "chewy, double-stuffed deliciousness." According to my analysis of the cosmic omens, you're most likely to thrive if you pursue silky, smooth, velvety, plush feelings of every kind.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): The world's record for skipping stones across the water belongs to Russel Byars. In July 2007, he threw a stone that bounced along the surface of the Allegheny River 51 times before it sank. If that mark is destined to be broken, it may be done by a Sagittarius in the coming week. Your tribe will have an exceptionally light touch. You'll have a knack for getting things to do what they supposedly can't do, even to the point of seeming to violate the law of gravity. You'll be at the peak of your ability to perform amusing tricks, pull off good mischief, and accomplish odd little miracles.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): After studying your planetary aspects, I got on my bicycle and took a vow to scour the world for an omen that would embody their meaning. Within a few minutes, I spied what my intuition immediately knew I was looking for: a carport with grass growing on the roof. Here are two interpretations of the oracle: 1. It's now possible for something to grow in a place that you thought was barren and/or over your head. 2. Fertility will abound in a high place that isn't usually hospitable to sprouting seeds.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): "To be young, really young, takes a very long time," said Picasso. I agree. It's not easy to hone your ability to see the world fresh over and over again. You've got to work for years to immunize yourself against the millions of people who think they're got everything figured out. To cultivate an ingenious and fully awakened innocence, you have to continually shed your temptation to rely on habitual responses, never ceasing from the effort to greet every experience with a beginner's mind. This playful approach to life goes against the grain of every religious teaching, every political system, and every ideology, which means that only the fiercest individualists with a highly developed sense of self can summon the courage to do it. It so happens, Aquarius, that you're now primed to make rapid progress in this noble undertaking.
PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): Whether or not you're a Catholic, I recommend a good stiff dose of confession for you. It's the most effective action you can take to clear out your psychic congestion and prepare the way for an influx of cathartic realizations. So find someone who won't judge you for your so-called sins, and tell him or her about things you've done in the past year that make you feel squeamish or guilty. If there is no such person, confess to a beloved animal, a favorite tree, a passing cloud, or the morning sun.
In addition to this column, Rob Brezsny offers EXPANDED WEEKLY AUDIO HOROSCOPES and DAILY TEXT MESSAGE HOROSCOPES designed to inspire you. To buy access, go to RealAstrology.com.