A Porn Star Is Born

One Minneapolis man's quixotic quest to become the next Ron Jeremy

Every January, the biggest and brightest stars in entertainment come together for one weekend to celebrate excellence in writing, acting, and directing.

I am, of course, talking about the Adult Video News awards in Las Vegas.

The AVNs are the Oscars of porn. With nearly 100 categories—including best group-sex scene and best big-bust series—this is where tomorrow's porn stars are born. Peter North, T. T. Boy, Seymore Butts—all of the industry's luminaries have been honored by this august body.

Which is why I boarded a plane and flew from Minneapolis to Las Vegas. I've decided it's finally time to realize a lifelong ambition: I want to be the next great male porn star.

With only 24 hours to achieve superstardom, I know I'll need to get an early start. On Saturday morning, I wake up at 8:30 a.m. and knock out a few push-ups to look as buff as possible. Donning my Sex World tank top (Twin Cities represent!), I gaze into the mirror at my 6'1", 140-pound frame.

Damn, I'm sexy.

All that remains is to choose a name. All of the big stars have awesome monikers like "Randy Spears" and "Devin Sensual." Being from the Midwest, I am not blessed with a naturally cool porn name. After a little bit of deliberation, I finally decide on "Tim Cockplenty."

Empowered by my new identity, I hop a cab and walk through the pearly, sticky gates of the promised land: the AVN Expo. It's a porn lover's dream. Everywhere I look, I'm greeted by larger-than-life displays from all of the big companies, including Wicked, Vivid, and Hustler. Upcoming releases flicker across plasma screen TVs, while contract girls such as Jessica Drake and Celeste Star sign autographs and pose for photos.

I'm overwhelmed at first, but pull it together quickly. After all, I've got a porn career to launch.

Following a quick lap to collect free samples of lube and DVD previews, I decide it's time to get down to business. I stake out a spot across from the Bang Bros booth and prepare for the rush of fans.

Surprisingly, no one seems interested in taking my photo, even after I strike a few poses to show off the merchandise.

After a few minutes of flexing, I decide to seek the counsel of one of the industry's established male stars. Former Playgirl model and internet star Rico Elbaz doesn't have much advice to offer, but he does take the time to pose for a photo and compliment me on my tank top. Back at you, Rico!

Slightly discouraged, I stop by the PinkVisual booth to get a female perspective. Unfortunately, my conversation with Priscilla Milan is cut short by porn-hungry fans begging for photos.

Suddenly, I feel an overwhelming sense of panic. My cross-country journey is beginning to feel like a lost cause, as I can't seem to catch a break and jumpstart the career of Tim Cockplenty.

I wander past a fake lawn setting where the girls from AbbyWinters.com are offering a yoga demonstration, and I notice a large crowd lined up to meet porn legend Ron Jeremy. Watching men and women worship at the bloated feet of the furry man affectionately known as "the hedgehog," I can't help but wonder: Why not me? What does Ron Jeremy have that Tim Cockplenty doesn't?

Defeated, I begin the long walk toward the exit, contemplating what shallow career choice I can make to ease the pain of giving up my dream.

Then, I see him.

AVN Hall of Famer and porn pioneer Tom Byron is standing in a booth near the exit, chatting with one of his female co-stars and a few fans. Byron has been in the industry for over 20 years and has worked with nearly every major star to come through the business, both as an actor and a director.

This is it. It's now or never.

I approach Byron with the awed excitement of a five-year-old meeting Mickey Mouse at Disney World. After complimenting his recent work in Layout, I go for it: "So Tom, I have to know: What do you think is the key to becoming a male superstar in the adult entertainment industry today?"

I hold my breath as he scratches his head and adjusts his sunglasses. "Ah, shit. I don't know. I guess it's just having a big cock."

This is truly the greatest moment of my life.

I shake his hand, grab a few more samples of lube to bring back for my family, and walk out the door, spent but satisfied.

That night, at the 25th annual AVN Awards, Jenna Jameson announces her retirement and Evan Stone wins male performer of the year. But all that pales in comparison to the excitement I'm feeling at the hotel bar, scrolling through photos from the weekend.

No, I didn't manage to launch my career in porn and sign a huge contract deal. But I did get a look into the mind of a porn icon (and the 2008 AVN award winner for best film actor).

There are 364 days until next year's AVN awards. I'm a man with a pump and a dream.

 
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