By Jake Rossen
By Jesse Marx
By Michelle LeBow
By Alleen Brown
By Maggie LaMaack
By CP Staff
By Jesse Marx
ARIES (March 21-April 19): "My calling hasn't called yet," wrote Rennie, an Aries reader from Austin. "Please, Rob, say a prayer to all the applicable gods and angels, asking them to do whatever it takes to make sure that I am at home when it finally does." I've got good news for Rennie. Many Aries who have never before had a hint about their calling will be able to gather many clues in 2008. Meanwhile, those of your tribe who have already found their higher purpose will be evolving it to a much deeper level. To help ensure that all the magic unfolds, I have unleashed a fist-pumping prayer to the goddess of mission plans, urging her to invite you Rams to claim the empowering joy that comes from being united with your source code.
TAURUS (April 20-May 20): The longest waves on the planet unfurl in the place where the Atlantic Ocean flows into the mouth of the Amazon River. The phenomenon is called the "pororoca" (from a word meaning "tumultuous noise"), and has become a favorite challenge for surfers. In 2003, a Brazilian daredevil named Picuruta Salazar rode a single wave for 37 minutes, gliding and plowing for almost eight miles. Judging from your current astrological omens, Taurus, I'd say that's an apt metaphor for the kind of wave you now have the chance to jump on. If you choose to give it a whirl, don't plan for a short sweet burst of adrenaline. Be ready for a long, rollicking balancing act.
GEMINI (May 21-June 20): This is a very favorable time to discover what has been hidden from you, to strip away disguises, and to penetrate to the real story that has been buried by the official propaganda. You're also likely to generate luck if you go in search of buried treasure, lost keys, and missing links. To help you achieve success in these noble if sometimes stealthy goals, keep in mind the advice of inventor George Washington Carver: "Anything will give up its secrets if you love it enough.
CANCER (June 21-July 22): Mirrors can be powerful tools and useful symbols for you in the coming days. When is the last time you gazed serenely into your own eyes for at least ten minutes? Try it! If you're brave, go on from there: Actually talk to the interesting creature you see reflected back at you. Ask questions. Give advice. Sing songs. And if you're even braver, move on to the next project: Bring a friend or loved one to the mirror, and converse with each other's images. Tell each other the kinds of raw, shimmering truths that can only be revealed in a mirror.
LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): At the Plow & Hearth stores, you can buy realistic boulders "to disguise your yard problems." These gigantic plastic monstrosities, which sell for $90, are hollow inside and fit right over the pipes, holes, and other eyesores you want to hide. In the coming days, Leo, you might want to consider acquiring a metaphorical version of this item. There's a big old messy place in your kingdom that seems to be getting bigger and messier. It's high time to either conceal it or clean it up.
VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): The U.K. newspaper The Independent reports that avid reader Mark Bastable consumed the collected works of D.H. Lawrence and found "not a single laugh, not a wry chuckle, not even a quiet grin in the entire po-faced oeuvre." If that's true, I say we put an asterisk on the covers of his books, similar to the mark that will go on the home run record of the allegedly steroid-enhanced baseball star Barry Bonds. In D.H.'s case, the asterisk will denote that he won a place in the literature hall of fame despite having never expressed the second-most essential human emotion. In any case, Virgo, don't you dare read Lawrence in the next four weeks. You need to be surrounded by influences that will encourage you to look for humor and amusement in every single thing you do.
LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): In 15 million years, Los Angeles will be a suburb of San Francisco. It will take that long for the constant slipping of the San Andreas Fault to push the southern city 400 miles north. That will be lucky for the people alive then, since they won't have to travel far to enjoy the distinctive pleasures of two of the West Coast's finest cultural centers. In your case, Libra, you don't have to wait so long. I predict that two of your personal centers of gravity will combine by the end of 2008. Your divided sense of home will disappear, allowing you to feel more united than you've been in years.
SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Why does human anatomy include the organ known as the appendix? For centuries, doctors have been unable to determine its purpose. Most have decided it's unnecessary, a vestigial structure left over from an earlier stage of evolution. But recent research suggests the conventional wisdom has to be revised. In fact, the appendix seems to protect and regenerate the good bacteria that live in the intestines. I predict that you're on the verge of a metaphorically comparable discovery, Scorpio. Something you have always considered to be useless or irrelevant will reveal its value.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Astronomers say that the Sagittarius Galaxy is being devoured by our own galaxy. It's getting stretched, rearranged, and assimilated by our massive gravity. I'd like to offer up this scenario as a metaphor for you to put into play in the coming week, Sagittarius. Imagine all the fun and interesting ways that you yourself could be "eaten." Maybe you could get absorbed into an exciting social scene, or be integrated into an institution you love, or become part of a movement you've admired from afar. And maybe you could simply do what's necessary to get yourself kissed, licked, and sucked all over.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): The Wind Horse is a mythical creature in Tibetan Buddhist tradition. Symbolizing vigorous life force, it embodies the quick, cleansing power of the wind and the primal vitality of the horse. In accordance with your astrological omens, Capricorn, I nominate this archetype to be your ruling metaphor in the coming weeks. Visualize yourself being accompanied by a Wind Horse everywhere you go. See yourself riding it, feeding it, playing with it. Call on its inspiring presence as you align yourself with the natural beneficence of the universe. Ask it to help you sweep obstacles out of the way as you attract a flow of opportunities to open your mind and heart.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): This will be an excellent week for you to buy $50 worth of silence. And to hang around people who won't try to coax you or manipulate you into doing anything. And to wander out into a barren wilderness – the Mars-like landscape of the crater near the summit of Maui's Mt. Haleakala would be ideal – and howl wordless, senseless, empty-headed melodies to a god who may or may not exist. Do you catch my drift, Aquarius? You are likely to attract cosmic luck and generate useful serendipity if you can achieve a state that combines Zen Buddhism's "beginner's mind" with the attitude Henry Miller enjoyed when he said, "I have no money, no resources, no hopes. I am the happiest man alive."
PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): "The stars would love to influence your future," reported a horoscope for Pisces in The Onion newspaper, "but they are powerless against your well-established patterns of behavior." While this might sometimes be an accurate statement, it's not true now. The next three weeks will be a very favorable time for you to escape well-established patterns of behavior, especially the ones that are no damn good for you. Here's a bonus perk: You will also have marked success if you not only rebel against your habits but also against the stars' influence. The upshot of all this good news is that you'll be in prime time to unleash your freest free will.