The Full MOA

7:12: I sit on a bench in the amusement park, casually emitting high-pitched, tortured screams.

7:15: An Alan Thicke clone tells me, "Stop that nonsense."

Details

VISIT OUR SLIDESHOW GALLERY AND AUDIO SLIDESHOW.

Related Content

• Mall of America unveils new logo, tagline [IMAGE]
  May 16, 2013
• Mall of America's aphid population under attack from 72,000 ladybugs
  April 26, 2013
• Bomb squad investigates suspicious package at Mall of America, finds no threat [UPDATE]
  April 16, 2013
• Local Chef Challenge invades Mall of America this weekend
  April 3, 2013
• Trailer Trash: The Greatest Night Ever
  May 8, 2013

More About

• Mall of America
• Kokomo
• John Sullwold
• Christina Sanders
• Absolut Vodka

8:00: I drag myself to Caribou Coffee and start scribbling paranoid jeremiads in my notebook.

9:30: I exit the north doors and mosey through the busily emptying parking lot to my car. I feel worn-out and ill. But free.

EXPENSE REPORT

Day One

• McDonald's breakfast platter, orange juice: $7.09
• Thai Kitchen: $7.43
• Teavana, Mate Vana tea: $2.13
• Aquafina water: $1.48
• Tiger Sushi: $14.44

Day Two

• Arby's: $8.92
• Movie ticket, American Gangster (matinee): $6
• Caribou Coffee, coffee: $2.03
• Asian Chao: $9.04

Day Three

• Bubba Gump Shrimp Co., Shrimper's Heaven platter: $24.32
• Pedicure/manicure, Nail Trix, Inc.: $50
• Cold Stone, chocolate ice cream cone: $3.80

Day Four

• Park at MoA Unlimited Ride Wristband Voucher: $24.95
• KFC Express, sandwich meal: $7.21
• Underwater Adventures tour: $8.50
• Aqua Massage, 10 minutes: $8
• Caribou Coffee, 6 coffees: $12.18
• Oxynate, oxygen/massage: $21.33

Day Five

• Starbucks in Barnes & Noble, coffee: $1.89
• Hooters, fish sandwich, one beer: $20.09
• Stadium Sports Grill, hamburger: $10.80

Day Six

• Long John Silver's platter: $9.96
• Caribou Coffee, 3 coffees: $6.09
• Sbarro, pepperoni slice, drink: $6.21
• Kokomo's Island Café: $58.02

Day Seven

• Famous Dave's, ribs: $12.05
• NASCAR Silicon Motor Speedway Racing Center, one race: $9.87
• Cousins Sub: $8.08

Total: $404.16