By Jake Rossen
By Jesse Marx
By Michelle LeBow
By Alleen Brown
By Maggie LaMaack
By CP Staff
By Jesse Marx
ARIES (March 21-April 19): Would you like to shed your soul's baby fat without having to go on a diet? Do you want to supercharge your immune system, improve your memory for the events that really matter, and build the spiritual power of your sexual feelings? Are you interested in postponing forehead wrinkles, getting glimpses of your beautiful future, and diminishing your fascination with the media's nihilism? The secrets to pulling off these possibilities will be more available to you than ever before in the coming weeks. And what's the best way to ensure you'll gather them in? Open your heart. I mean really open your heart — with a relentlessly tender intensity.
TAURUS (April 20-May 20): For a limited time only, you have cosmic permission to suck your thumb and drool freely and murmur "gaga" over and over again. More than that: You have a poetic license to spend expansive periods rocking back and forth while curled into the fetal position, either under the covers or on the beach, while singing little made-up songs about everything you love. The moment has arrived, in other words, to give yourself permission to melt into a pool of primal goo as you commune with the music of the spheres and tune in to the hymn of your deepest longings.
GEMINI (May 21-June 20): My Gemini friend Risa is brilliant and sophisticated. She speaks four languages fluently, and is one of the few people I've met who understands the theory of relativity. So then why is she fascinated with bad reality TV shows like "The Girls Next Door," which follows the lives of Hugh Hefner's girlfriends? How could she possibly enjoy monster truck rallies, which she attends now and then? What purpose is there in her encyclopedic knowledge of the toys favored by children in Kazakhstan, the diets of German racehorses, and the clubs of Chinese women devoted to reproducing antique European lace doilies? As an astrologer, I don't find this mysterious. I'm aware that for many Geminis, everything is potentially interesting, even information other people regard as trivial. It's all raw data to be used in the infinitely fun game of playing with ideas. And that has never been a more apt description of your tribe than it is now.
CANCER (June 21-July 22): "I tell young people that the greatest paintings in museums are made with minerals mixed in oil smeared on cloth with the hair from the back of a pig's ear," says artist James Rosenquist. I hope that thought incites you to achieve pragmatic breakthroughs in the coming weeks, Cancerian. It's time to play in the mud and risk making a mess, if necessary, in order to translate your beautiful visions into earthy realities.
LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Barbara Sher's self-help tome is called I Could Do Anything If I Only Knew What It Was: How to Discover What You Really Want and How to Get It. In one sense it's designed for beginners — young people who are just learning how to identify meaningful goals to pursue. But in my opinion, every one of us periodically needs to revisit the mode described in the book's title. For instance, maybe you've accomplished a dream you've worked on for months or years, and require a jumpstart as you seek your next big project. Or maybe some desire that motivated you for a long time has faded in its intensity, and you're feeling blah and apathetic, in need of redirection. Does any of this apply to you, Leo? I bet it does.
VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): The modern war between science and spirituality seems laughable in light of the life of Sir Isaac Newton. His discoveries in the realms of physics, mathematics, and astronomy were so seminal and so numerous that he's regarded as the most influential scientist in history. Many refer to him as the greatest genius who ever lived. And yet Newton's central passions were alchemy and the Bible, about which he wrote millions of words, far more than what he devoted to his scientific interests. "Gravity explains the motions of the planets," he wrote, "but it cannot explain who set the planets in motion. God governs all things and knows all that is or can be done." I suggest you make Newton your role model, Virgo. It's a favorable time to forge a new spirit of cooperation between the two parts of your psyche — let's call them the rational and the transcendent — which so many of today's thinkers have told you cannot possibly co-exist.
LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): I'd love to see you call your own bluff and blow your own cover. I'm hoping you'll stop hiding your assets and keeping so many secrets. And I really, really wish you would come out of the closet not just about your unique gender identity, but also about the other idiosyncratic twists and turns that make you who you are. Please stop being afraid of revealing your beauty, Libra — even the work-in-progress aspects of your beauty. It's time to close the gap between the real you and the images people have of you.
SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): [Editor's note: To prepare this horoscope, I stole some of the lyrics from Yoko Ono's song "Revelations" and added some words of my own.] Bless you for your anger, Scorpio. It's a sign of zeal. If you transform it into creative fire, it will transmute your relationship with any situation you're angry about. Bless you for your greed. It's a sign of great capacity. Honor the law of karma by giving as much as you want to get, and your greed will drive you to grow generous. Bless you for your jealousy. It's a sign of immature empathy. Ripen it into admiration and what you admire will become an inspiring part of your life.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Your astrological omens are similar to those experienced by Oscar-winning actress Judi Dench back in February 2002. At that time, she was moved to make a dramatic revelation to film mogul Harvey Weinstein. In the midst of a party, she pulled down her pants to reveal her naked ass, revealing a temporary lipstick tattoo that read "I love Harvey Weinstein." I'm guessing you might be inspired to unveil a comparable surprise in the coming days, Sagittarius. At the very least, I expect you'll find some intriguing ways to express your affection and demonstrate your ardor.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Here are a few of the improvements I expect you to have accomplished by the end of August: a panoramic view of what's beneath the tip of the iceberg; a more useful relationship with obsession; the cutting of a knot that has tied you up for far too long; the resurrection of a seemingly extinct dream; the beginning of the end of what you love to hate; and hot discussions about the Three Things That Have Rarely or Never Been Talked About.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): It's the Season of Burning, Churning Yearning. Here are three of the most important things I've ever told you about how to get what you need. (1) If you don't precisely articulate your conscious desires, your unconscious patterns will come true instead. (2) If you want your conscious desires to trump your unconscious patterns, speak or write your conscious desires every day. (3) It's better to have three huge, soaring, potent desires than 25 puny, scrabbling, half-assed desires.
PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): Ron is down to six cups of coffee a day, which is much healthier than his previous 15-cup habit. We, his friends, might wish it wasn't because he joined an ascetic cult that wants him to get into top physical shape in order to fight the evil reptilian extraterrestrials that have taken over the bodies of corporate and governmental leaders. But hey, whatever works. Likewise, Pisces, this is a favorable time for you to resort to just about any legal measure in order to break the grip of your bad habits — even if that involves substituting some rather exotic new habits for the ones you need to eliminate.