By Jake Rossen
By Jesse Marx
By Michelle LeBow
By Alleen Brown
By Maggie LaMaack
By CP Staff
By Jesse Marx
I'm pro-sex, bisexual, and GGG. I'm also a mother. I have a 14-year-old son, and when I type a website address into our home computer, a million porn sites pop up. I've had lots of lovers, watched my share of porn, I masturbate, blah blah blah. But something about my baby looking at Asian sluts getting it up the ass turns me into a sex-negative freak.
I can't stand the thought of my son looking at porn on the internet. And the thought of him wanking in front of my computer gets me going as well. Help me out here! Should I say something? I don't want to make him uncomfortable! Should I make him stop?
Internet Porn Reality Utterly Dismays Elder
Sure, IPRUDE, "make him" stop. Make your 14-year-old son stop looking at all the free porn on the internet. Sounds like a plan. And after your son stops looking at internet porn, IPRUDE, be a doll and make George W. Bush pull our troops out of Iraq, fire Dick Cheney, and institute a single-payer health-care system. And then make him resign. Thanks.
Look, IPRUDE, like a lot of hipster parents, you've concluded that your enlightened attitudes toward sex—you look at porn! you masturbate! you're GGG!—obligates you to smile on your son's taste in porn and his masturbatory habits. After all, you wouldn't want your son to judge the porn you like or make you feel bad about masturbating, right? So wouldn't it make you a hypocrite if you judged his porn and made him feel bad about masturbating? No, IPRUDE, it wouldn't, and here's why: because you don't live in his house, he lives in yours; you're old enough to understand the difference between porn sex and real sex, he's not; you're not using his computer, he's using yours.
Sorry, IPRUDE, but you have to say something to him because you're the parent. And there are times when a parent—even a pro-sex, GGG, bisexual parent—has to make her kid feel uncomfortable. The conversation you're about to have is gonna make your son wanna die, of course, but someone has to tell him that he's not the porn ninja he thinks he is. Right now he thinks he's getting away with it, stealthily downloading Asian anal gangbang porn and having top-secret wanks at Mom's computer. You can't send him off to college, or let him move in with roommates, or, God forbid, marry someone believing that he'll be able to fool his roommates or his new wife the same way he fooled his mother.
This talk isn't going to stop your son from looking at internet porn, nor is he going to refrain from beating off in front of your computer. But a freak-out—even a strategic, disingenuous freak-out—will prompt your son to become more cautious about his porn consumption. He'll be sneakier and cover his tracks better, if only to avoid more boner-killing conversations with Mom about his taste in porn. And being stealthier about how and when and where he consumes internet porn will result in his consuming a bit less of it, which is what you want, and if you include a few choice words about the kind of porn he's looking at—what it depicts, where it was made, how it may shape or distort his desires—he may even give a bit more thought to his porn choices. Good luck, Mom.
My boyfriend and I have an adventurous sex life. A couple of years ago he fulfilled my fantasy by having a threesome with two men, and I promised to fulfill his fantasy of having a threesome with two girls. It was easy to find another male because one of our guy friends happened to have a thing for me. Now here's the problem: I'm not attracted to any of our female friends. How can we find a woman without hiring a prostitute, which costs too much, or picking up some drunk girl at a club?
Manage Et Trio
A cynical columnist might conclude that you never had any intention of honoring your promise, MET, a promise that's already well past its expiration date. How else to explain that you've ruled out all of your female friends (homely dames, one and all!), all prostitutes (because you're frugal), and all the drunk girls in all the clubs in all the world (because drunk girls are so inhibited), limiting your threesome options to sober, church-going girls who want to have sex with strangers.
But I believe you're sincere, MET, and I'm going to advise you accordingly: The only way to make good on your promise is to apply the same standard to your girl/girl/boy threesome that you applied to your boy/boy/girl threesome. When it was time to fulfill your fantasy, you didn't go find a guy whom your boyfriend had a thing for, MET, but a guy who had a thing for you. So go find a girl who has a thing for your boyfriend, MET, and stop looking for a girl whom you have a thing for. You may wind up in bed with someone you previously ruled out—a friend, an escort, a drunk—but you'll have made good on that promise. And that's what you wanna do, right?