By Jake Rossen
By Jesse Marx
By Michelle LeBow
By Alleen Brown
By Maggie LaMaack
By CP Staff
By Jesse Marx
Fucked Right Up In The Southwest
Alcohol: deadlier than cocaine and Ecstasy—and mescaline, roofies, peyote, and pot (which has no lethal dose)—and it'll make your half-sister stick her tongue in your mouth. Eesh.
Okay, FRUITS, the reason your sister keeps calling to say, "It's not right," is because she's waiting for you to say, "I know it ain't right, Sis, but let's do it anyway." She wants you and she's using reverse seduce-ology to get you. ("Eww! Gross!" "Yeah, gross!" "Yeah...pretty gross." "But kind of hot for something so gross, huh?" "Yeah...do you wanna try it? I mean, just to see how gross it is?")
If it were possible for you to have sex with the half of your half-sister that you aren't related to—the back half, maybe, or the top half—you might get my unambiguous, if slightly nauseated, blessing. But as that's not possible, FRUITS, I'm going to urge you to deflect your sister's clumsy attempts at reverse seduce-ology—and for you to encourage her to smoke pot instead.
Confidential to Beth Ditto: In New Musical Express you're quoted as saying, "If there's anyone to blame for size zero, it's not women. Blame gay men who work in the fashion industry who want these women as dolls." That's bullshit. If you want to blame something for size zero, Beth, blame cheap and abundant food. When food was scarce and most poor suckers were starving to death, fat bodies were the beauty ideal and skinny girls were oppressed. Now that food is plentiful and most dumb motherfuckers are eating themselves to death, skinny bodies are the beauty ideal and fat girls are oppressed. File it under "What goes around, comes around." But take heart, Beth: Food may soon be scarce again, thanks to climate change, and fat girls will rule the runways.
And, Beth, if gay men had the power to dictate beauty ideals to impressionable straight men, we wouldn't order boys to lust after women—big or small, dieting or diabetic. We'd order them to lust after cock, Beth—big and small, dockable and undockable.
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