Savage Love

And I hope you have family nearby, PREG, because you're going to need their help.

I discovered your column recently, and I was intrigued by the following statement from a column you wrote last December: "While most of us learn to live with and occasionally conquer our fears without eroticizing them, a number of us respond to sexual fears or traumas by incorporating them into our erotic imaginations."

My wife gets totally turned on by fantasizing about me with another guy. She doesn't really want me to do it with another guy, she just gets off—hard—to the mental imagery. The whole thing began when I revealed early on that I identify as a 1 on the Kinsey Scale (some same-sex fantasies, no desire to act on them). That led to whispered scenarios involving fictional characters like massage therapists, culminating in some pretty massive orgasms for both of us. Tame stuff, really, by Savage Love standards.

She hasn't been able to understand why she has these fantasies, and why they get her so hot, especially since she doesn't want them to move from fantasy to reality. Me, I don't care that much as to why—I just enjoy the role reversal. She, however, agonizes over it the next day, wondering why-oh-why. It turns out she started having these fantasies when she was in a previous relationship with a guy who had sex with men before, and, she suspects, during their relationship (yes, she's since had an HIV test). She has some fairly powerful abandonment issues, and apparently her man-on-me fantasies have become thoroughly entangled with her fears that I will cheat on her with some dude. Which I won't, because I really and truly don't want to.

So, my question is: Now what? The game we play is fun in moderation, and I'd hate to give it up entirely. But I'm leery of doing anything that plays on the deep-seated fears of the woman I love. Or, since people ride roller coasters and jump out of airplanes because they're scary, should we just look at it that way and keep things the way they are?

Not One To Get All Yappy

Understanding what experience inspired her fantasies—if that experience inspired her fantasies—won't make them go away. Since your wife will have to live with those deep-seated fears regardless, NOTGAY, it seems to me that she might as well derive some pleasure from them. So keep things the way they are.

Guys who can't come from oral sex alone, er, unload in this week's web extra, which you can read at

Download a new Savage Love podcast every Tuesday at

« Previous Page