By Jake Rossen
By Jesse Marx
By Michelle LeBow
By Alleen Brown
By Maggie LaMaack
By CP Staff
By Jesse Marx
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): This week's mind-over-matter horoscope features the words of three notorious New Age flakes, philosopher William James, essayist Ralph Waldo Emerson, and Albert Einstein. First, James: "The greatest discovery of my generation is that a human being can alter his life by altering his attitudes." Emerson: "Intellect annuls Fate. So far as a person thinks, he is free." Einstein: "The significant problems we face cannot be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them." APRIL FOOL! James, Emerson, and Einstein were NOT New Age flakes. They simply had some ideas that were similar to New Age flakes. So don't dismiss their advice, especially now, when you can accomplish miracles by acting as if you have a potent role in creating your own reality.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Wealthy women in ancient Rome often filled their baths with perfumed swan fat and donkey milk. It would make perfect astrological sense if you did the same thing. The omens suggest that you should borrow old customs to enhance your health and appearance. APRIL FOOL! While it's true that this is a good time to upgrade your health and appearance, there are better ways to do so than with swan fat and donkey milk. However, those two exotic substances are symbolically apt. You should cultivate influences that will enhance your grace and beauty as well as your stubborn strength and dogged persistence.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): On the caloric energy provided by just one 12-ounce bag of potato chips, you can think 550 thoughts, at least 10 percent of them good ones. That's why I urge you to devour one such bag every day this week. The omens suggest that your brain is aching to churn out an explosion of big, fat thoughts. APRIL FOOL! Your brain will generate a multitude of ideas (at least 40 percent of them good ones) even if you dine on nothing but carrot juice and salad. You're in the phase of your astrological cycle when your mind is magically hyperactive. You don't need potato chips to be smart.
PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?" Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication. A vulture boards a plane carrying two dead possums. The flight attendant stops her and says, "I'm sorry, ma'am, there's only one carrion allowed per passenger." APRIL FOOL! The preceding passage wasn't your real horoscope, but rather a Zen koan designed to scramble your brain so that you'd be receptive to your real horoscope, which goes as follows: Two Eskimos were sitting in a kayak. They were cold, so they lit a fire right there. The boat sank, proving that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.