By Jesse Marx
By Chris Parker
By Jake Rossen
By Jesse Marx
By Michelle LeBow
By Alleen Brown
By Maggie LaMaack
By CP Staff
ARIES (March 21-April 19): You will soon uncover evidence that a seemingly innocuous hot dog vendor is actually creating an army of cyborgs in the sewer system under the streets. You will also make a citizen's arrest of a grandmother who's embezzling money from a children's charity to support her gambling habit. And in the most shocking development of all, you'll develop the psychic power to exorcise evil spirits that are threatening to demonically possess the Internet. APRIL FOOL! Your imminent future will be interesting, but not that interesting. More importantly, it will be interesting in distinctly non-pathological, unhysterical ways. Your adventures will revolve around healing, fun, and education, not trouble, danger, and chaos.
TAURUS (April 20-May 20): You should make Feral Cheryl your role model. She's the anti-Barbie–a pierced, dreadlocked, tattooed doll. She owns no stiletto heels, designer handbags, or cheerleader outfits. Her only accessory is a stash of homegrown herbs. A student of spiritual anarchy, she's a free-thinking activist who rejects all "isms." Be like Feral Cheryl, Taurus. APRIL FOOL! I'd never try to talk you into regarding a 13-inch-tall plastic doll as your role model, no matter how cool she might be. But I do suggest you adopt some version of Feral Cheryl's motto: "Love simply, live amply, run wild."
GEMINI (May 21-June 20): After meditating on the omens, I can't decide whether it's more accurate to say "This week will suck" or "This week will blow." APRIL FOOL! While it's true that your imminent experiences may resemble the kinds of pleasure that one human being can give another through a masterful use of the mouth and tongue, "suck" and "blow" have too many negative connotations to use them as metaphors. Let's say instead that the coming week will lick and slurp and drool.*
CANCER (June 21-July 22): Soon the Lord will return and handpick 144,000 saintly people to ascend with him into his perfectly hygienic gated community on a flying saucer where all the bathroom fixtures are gold and the Internet is contained in magic miniature iPhones that the lucky 144,000 will have implanted in their brains for instant access to the Lord's brain 24/7. And get this: YOU will be one of the 144,000! APRIL FOOL! The truth is, the Lord has already returned to earth in the form of a 14-year-old girl who lives in the Hell's Kitchen part of New York City, and we're all living in Paradise at this very moment. So no, there are no 144,000 saints who'll get extra-special privileges. But the coming week will be very lucky for you, and you will enjoy at least one wonderful new perk.
LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Here are the five most popular fortunes in fortune cookies: 1. "Your present plans are going to succeed." 2. "Good news will come to you from far away." 3. "Now is the time to try something new." 4. "Your love life will be happy and harmonious." 5. "The next can of tuna fish you open will have a million-dollar diamond inside." All five of these fortunes happen to be accurate predictions for you in the coming week. APRIL FOOL! Your imminent future looks great, but not that great. At most, only three of those five fortunes will come true for you.
VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): One out of every 20 people claims to have talked to the devil personally. That statistic could change in the coming week, however, because I'm predicting that many of you Virgos will sit down for a heart-to-heart with the horned one. For most of you, furthermore, the conversation will go surprisingly well. You'll out-argue the devil, impressing him with your logic and winning him over with your charm, leading him to promise to dramatically reduce the number of insidious temptations he'll send your way in the future. APRIL FOOL! There is no such thing as the devil. But it is true that you're likely to triumph over evil in the coming week.
LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Your assignment is to precisely identify every last one of your complexes, syndromes, and maladies. Towards that end, buy a copy of the 943-page book Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, and read it from beginning to end. APRIL FOOL! Don't you know me any better than that? I would NEVER encourage you to obsess on your pain. Here's your real horoscope: Start writing your own version of the book How We Choose to Be Happy: The 9 Choices of Extremely Happy People. It's high time you learned how to work your ass off to feel really good.
SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Not to be confused with Alzheimer's, "Alt.heimer's" is a term that the Slang Dictionary defines as "a condition afflicting chronic hipsters who can no longer recall if they like something genuinely or ironically. Example: 'As Ron stared at the hideous leather pants and retro Star Wars sheets he'd just purchased, he realized his Alt.heimer's was advancing with terrifying speed.'" I bring this up, Scorpio, because you urgently need to determine whether you're infected with Alt.heimer's. APRIL FOOL! You don't have Alt.heimer's. But it is crucial that you take inventory of what things you genuinely like and what things you merely like ironically.