By Jake Rossen
By Jesse Marx
By Michelle LeBow
By Alleen Brown
By Maggie LaMaack
By CP Staff
By Jesse Marx
ARIES (March 21-April 19): Hundreds of years ago, the Native American tribe known as the Seneca had a rule of thumb about when to sow corn seed. You had to wait until the weather was warm enough to lie naked in the dirt without discomfort. I believe a similar principle applies to your plans to start a certain new enterprise, Aries. Hold off on the launch until you're able to take off all your clothes in a natural setting and stretch out on the ground without shivering.
TAURUS (April 20-May 20): It has been too long since you visited the Middle of Nowhere. You've been a fixture in the heart of a well-defined Somewhere for quite some time. But now, Taurus, you need the enriching confusion of the Cosmic HUH?! it's prime time for you to wander out into the fertile chaos of the WHAT THE HELL!? zone. Have fun! Don't forget to writhe! Now please repeat and repeat and repeat after me, slowly building from a smirking giggle to a cackling belly-laugh, WHERE AM I AND HOW DID I GET HERE?!
GEMINI (May 21-June 20): This would be a good week to take a class at clown school, give out free ice cream to the underprivileged, or sing show tunes to a captive audience at a retirement home. In fact, the cosmos will be very favorably disposed toward you if you do anything to increase the pleasure you bring other people. Here are some other ways you might proceed: Listen raptly to allies who've lost their way; think deeply about what a loved one needs most; deliver sincere praise to people you've never praised before; say a rowdy prayer for an acquaintance who could use a jolt of inspiration; or do a good deed anonymously, ensuring that the recipient of your blessing doesn't know who gave it.
CANCER (June 21-July 22): Charles Darwin called Thomas Malthus a "great philosopher," and said his theory of evolution was based on Malthus' ideas. Yet Malthus advocated genocidal measures to control population growth. In "Essay on the Principle of Population," Malthus wrote: "Instead of recommending cleanliness to the poor, we should encourage contrary habits. In our towns we should make the streets narrower, crowd more people into houses, and court the return of the plague. In the country, we should build villages near stagnant pools, and encourage settlement in marshy and unwholesome situations." So the evidence is clear that Darwin's theories had a grotesque pedigree. Should we therefore dismiss them altogether? Not necessarily. What's useful is not always derived from what's good. Is there a comparable situation in your own life, Cancerian? Are there essentials you benefit from even though their origins are problematical? The time is ripe for coming to terms with weirdness like that.
LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): The water you drink is three billion years old, give or take five million years. The stuff your body is made of is at least ten billion years old, probably older, and has been as far away as 100,000 light years from where it is right now. The air you breathe has, in the course of its travels, been literally everywhere on the planet, and has slipped in and out of the lungs of almost every human being who has ever lived. There's much more evidence I could offer to prove to you that you're an infinite and eternal creature, Leo, but suffice it to say that you're much greater and older and bigger and wilder and freer than you have ever imagined. The experiences you'll soon have will give you a deeply felt sense of how true that is.
VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): It's the perfect time to kill off old habits that bring you down and to sever bad connections that bring out the worst in you. Therefore, I suggest you make an undercover search-and-destroy visit to the murkiest parts of the underworld. When you get back, invite skeletons to come out of the closet and monsters to crawl out from beneath the bed for a nice long heart-to-heart talk full of tough love. And in general, don't you dare avert your gaze from any song and dance that might half-scare you and half-inspire you into triumphing over evil. P.S. In every decay there'll be beauty; in every loss there'll be a glimmer of future joy.
LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): If we were going to equate your relationship options with varieties of ice cream, we might say that in the next eight weeks you will have a choice between Black Raspberry Avalanche, Caramel Toffee Bar Heaven, Cherry Chip ba da Bing, Grandma's Cookie Dough, New York Strawberry Cheesecake, Cashew Praline Parfait, Peanut Butter Truffle, and good old Vanilla. Oddly enough, Vanilla might turn out to be the most gratifying. Of all the varieties, it would certainly have the best aftertaste.
SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): The secret you're looking for, the secret you think you desperately need, does not exist–at least not officially. Unofficially, however, it's very real. It's alive and hot and exciting. But it's in the care of people you don't notice or value. It's something you'd normally regard as cheap and insignificant. So let me ask you, Scorpio: Can you change the way you use your eyes? Will you drop the opinions that get in the way of you seeing the truth? The secret you're in quest of, the resource that might solve so many problems, will be easy to pluck if you'll just change your mind about matters that you imagine have nothing to do with the secret.