By Jake Rossen
By Jesse Marx
By Michelle LeBow
By Alleen Brown
By Maggie LaMaack
By CP Staff
By Jesse Marx
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): "Dear Rob: I was lying in my bed basking in a sunbeam this morning, too comfortable to get up and take my Prozac, when I thought, Hey, what if I'm not, you know, emotionally challenged? What if I'm just lazy? Maybe if I worked harder at cultivating happiness, I'd just sort of outgrow my depression–you know, render it irrelevant. Do you have an opinion about this theory? -Slothful Sagittarius." Dear Slothful: I'd have to know more about your personal history to evaluate whether laziness is the cause of your depression. I do know this, though: There are currently many Sagittarians who've become lax about their pursuit of happiness. But the good news is that it's a perfect time for your tribe to get very aggressive about mastering the art of feeling really good.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Accountants at an Australian car insurance company have found that Capricorns are the safest drivers. Correlating birth data with crash rates, they found that your sign is the least accident prone. This probably has to do with your renowned patience and carefulness. While I applaud you for that accomplishment and urge you to continue expressing your attention to detail while operating heavy machinery, I also recommend that in the coming week you make room for happier kinds of accidents. You need certain educational blessings that only serendipity can provide.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Oops. I apologize, Aquarius, but this week's horoscopes for the other signs are so long that I'm left with less than the usual amount of space for you. I think you'll be fine, though, because you're extraordinarily resourceful right now. You not only can make do with smaller doses of everything, you can actually thrive and prosper that way. Indeed, you actually need less of everything in order to be your best.
PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): Native to Africa and Australia, baobab trees are oddly beautiful, with thick, bulbous trunks that can grow partially hollow and thus serve as shelters for people and animals. They have an enormous capacity for storing water, allowing them to survive during draughts. Humans carve and paint their fruits, making them into ornaments, and also use their leaves, fruits, and bark for food and drink. The tree's large white flowers open only at night, and are pollinated by bats. In all these ways, you remind me of a baobab right now, Pisces. You're freakishly gorgeous, have enormous staying power and hundreds of uses, are a rich source of nourishment and comfort, and bloom under the moonlight, when you do your best collaborative work.