By Jesse Marx
By Chris Parker
By Jake Rossen
By Jesse Marx
By Michelle LeBow
By Alleen Brown
By Maggie LaMaack
By CP Staff
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): You want hot gold secrets to ripen in your dark candy soul? Then here's what you do: Study the ocean's memory for its teachings about moon victories. Extract a fresh green why from the book of storms you dreamed about. When the flowers' clouds soar over your shadow, and when night's funny sky has turned into warm moist roars, you'll know exactly how to look through the sun to the other side of your best fear. (The preceding horoscope may sound crazily lyrical, even poetically feral, but it's a perfect embodiment of the attitude you should cultivate in order to have a successful week.)
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): I was watching Oprah's TV show at 2 a.m. "Take off your shirt and look down," she told me. I don't automatically do everything the World's Wealthiest Woman tells me, but I trust her a lot. So I did what she suggested. What she said next, however, revealed that she wasn't actually talking to me. "Eight out of ten women are wearing the wrong bra!" she exclaimed. "Are you?" She then gave tips on how to select an undergarment that's just right for a woman's shape, size, and posture. I watched in perplexed awe. How could so many people be ignorant about such a fundamental thing? Later, while meditating on your astrological omens, I realized there's a comparable phenomenon going on in your world. You're missing something important about one of the basic facts of your life. Please find out what it is.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): In solidarity with eternal flux and in the name of all that's both rowdy and holy, I hereby declare change to be a good thing. Furthermore, in accordance with the astrological omens, I announce that change is especially healthy for you right now. I mean it, Aquarius. Change is not only not a bad thing. It's downright wonderful. So let's rise up bravely, you and I, and proclaim that change is the essential nature of the universe–that it's one of the most prominent and resplendent qualities of God Herself. From now until forevermore, let's agree to celebrate change, to welcome it, to revere it–starting this week. Amen, namasté, blessed be, shalom, and hallelujah!
PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): I believe you're climbing up out of the primordial ooze for the last time. You're done! Never again will you be fully immersed in the stinky depths of hell on earth! Never again will moody despair comprise more than 49 percent of your worldview. From now on, you will be smarter about how to avoid unnecessary pain and misery. You will also be a better escape artist. Now go buy yourself a graduation present.