Savage Love

I'm a smoker and my partner is a nonsmoker. He says his face goes numb when I give him head. His theory is that the penis is permeable and is absorbing the nicotine in my saliva. It's a good theory, but it's only his face that goes numb—his cheeks and lips, not his whole head or his dick head. He really enjoys it so it's not a problem. I'm just curious whether or not he's right.

Not Underestimating My Blowjobs

I haven't the faintest idea what's happening to your boyfriend's face, NUMB, but I've seen pictures of what's happening to your lungs. My advice: Quit smoking—and if your boyfriend's facial numbness during blowjobs subsides, well, then you were right about the nicotine. Don't want to quit smoking? Then your boyfriend should find some other mouth to stuff his junk into.

I'm sorry if that answer wasn't very helpful. Or sympathetic. But smoking? Ick. Stop already. Yuck. Gross. Blech.

Moving on, I was all set to do a really kick-ass column this week on cuckolding—wherein a straight man watches, or is told about, another man having sex with his wife or girlfriend—when one of my coworkers walked in with a pan of pumpkin pot cake. She told us that the cake was a complete failure as a drug; she had eaten two pieces the night before and didn't get high at all. It was, however, pretty tasty cake, so she brought it in to work to share with everybody.

Well, it seems that my coworker's tolerance for THC is lots higher than mine. I had one little sliver of cake—maybe two—and now I'm so fucking baked I can hardly see my laptop. I shouldn't be writing a column in this condition—goodness, what if someone were to actually take my advice?—but deadlines are deadlines and no editor will accept performance de-hancing drugs as an excuse for missing one. So I set aside the contentious cuckolding issue until next week and scrounged up a few questions that, even stoned, I can't screw up. Or can I?

As an 18-year-old Canadian gal, I feel compelled to tell you that you rock. On to business: Forgive me if this is an asinine question (how often do you hear that?), but how do I put it tactfully to my boyfriend of 1.5 years (and going alarmingly strong!) that I think I want to do him with a strap-on, in part because I'm pretty sure from things he's said that he'd enjoy it? Is there even a way to put it non-bluntly? I would rather suggest it subtly if I can. Any information regarding obtaining said object, such as prices, sizes, etc., would also be much appreciated.

Timid In Toronto

You think you want to do him in the butt with a strap-on?

Well, TIT, I think I speak for all straight boys everywhere when I say this: No straight boy is going to offer up his butt cherry to a girl who isn't completely certain that pegging his ass is something she absolutely, positively wants to do. Not something she's contemplating, TIT, not something she's mulled over. Because the last thing a straight boy wants to hear once he's face down, lubed up, and white knuckling the sides of the mattress is... "Naaaaaah, I guess not..."

Actually, that's the second-to-last thing he wants to hear. The very last thing he wants to hear is, "I didn't know there would be so much blood."

So before you broach the subject, TIT, you're going to need to commit. You need to present this idea to him with so much passion and fire that he understands that you wanna, that you gotta, fuck that beautiful little ass of his. Can you accomplish this while being tactful, non-blunt, and subtle? No, no, and no. There simply isn't a tactful, non-blunt, subtle way to tell a man—any man, porn star or virgin, gay or straight—that you want fuck his ass. There is no comforting euphemism, no way to soften the blow. It would be easier to drop "I'm pregnant" or "You have leukemia" or "That was my dad who got arrested for fucking a dead deer by the side of the road" into a casual conversation. You're just going to have to let him have it, TIT, if you ever want to let him have it.

As for pegging supplies and equipment, check out the goods at these fine websites: www.babeland.com, www.goodvibes.com, www.grandopening.com, www.comeasyouare.com, www.venusenvy.ca, and www.womynsware.com.

I am a huge fan and never thought that I would be writing you a letter like this. But how can you denounce the actions of the Craigslist asshole who exposed all of those kinky fellas a few months back, then turn around and praise the actions of the male prostitute who outed Ted Haggard?

Don't get me wrong, I think Haggard is a hypocritical douchebag. But isn't what the prostitute did worse than what the Craigslist asshole did, since sex workers are paid as much for privacy as they are for sex?

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