By Jesse Marx
By Chris Parker
By Jake Rossen
By Jesse Marx
By Michelle LeBow
By Alleen Brown
By Maggie LaMaack
By CP Staff
ARIES (March 21-April 19): When I was in my twenties, I refused to work for a living because I wanted to live for a living. As a result, I got an extended opportunity to perfect the art of cheerful poverty. One winter, while staying in a ramshackle cottage in North Carolina, my cash reserves got so low that I had to leap to a new level. For meals, I exuberantly retrieved discarded food from dumpsters behind grocery stores. For heat, I gleefully smashed up my wooden furniture with a hammer and threw it in my wood stove. I was the happiest person alive, with lots of leisure time to meditate, read books, write poetry, take long walks, and make love with my girlfriends. Be inspired by my example, Aries. Identify some aspect of your life you tend to regard as inadequate or insufficient, and redefine it to be an asset.
TAURUS (April 20-May 20): "Courage is not the abnormal," wrote poet Jack Gilbert. "Not the marvelous act. Not Macbeth with fine speeches. It is the thing steady and clear. The marriage, not the month's rapture. The beauty that is of many days. The normal excellence, of long accomplishment. Not the Prodigal Son, but Penelope." Gilbert's words are my gift to you, brave Taurus. Of all the signs, you best express the virtue of steady devotion to the demanding challenges of beauty and truth. In the coming week, I predict that you will dramatically prove how miraculous that quality can be.
GEMINI (May 21-June 20): You're a little off-kilter and out-of-whack these days, Gemini. Don't worry about it. It's a natural response to recent plot twists. Fortunately, there is a medicine you can get that will fix you up pretty quickly. All you have to do is spend quality time in nature. One long hike should be enough, though to be absolutely sure you flush the psychic parasites that have been messing with you, two long hikes would be better. To aid in the exorcism and healing, I suggest that you also sing songs and shout out crazy ideas while wandering in the great outdoors. And if you can't escape to the wild places, at least have a picnic in a park.
CANCER (June 21-July 22): Columnist Jon Carroll once listed the 100 best human artifacts. They included things like clocks, screwdrivers, shoelaces, and Band-aids. But in your horoscope this week, I especially want to call your attention to the following items from his master list: pillows, mirrors, balls, masks, swings, lipstick, stirrups, playing cards, and pear nectar. There's a good chance that these best-ever creations will be featured in the effervescent adventurers you'll soon have. Or at least they should be featured.
LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): I suggest you make yourself alert for the return of at least one blast from the past. You may receive a communiqué from a forgotten sanctuary. A treasure that slipped from your grasp ages ago may become available again, especially if you pay close attention to borders and anomalies. Missing links may wander back in your direction, and old clues you haven't thought of in many moons might put you hot on the trail of a smoldering mystery you've been neglecting to investigate.
VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): In a number of indigenous cultures, there's the tradition of the "joking relationship." Two members of an extended family, often a brother and sister-in-law, are expected to form a bond that revolves around them playfully teasing each other. If you don't have an ally like that in your life, Virgo, I urge you to get one. And if you already do have such a companion, raise your connection to an even higher level of loving mischief and jocular amusement. It'll keep you loose in just the right ways during the coming weeks and months.
LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): "The early bird may get the worm," says comedian Steven Wright, "but the second mouse gets the cheese." It's one of those times, Libra, when I advise you to be like that second mouse. A bit of procrastination will work in your favor. I want to offer some additional wisdom from Wright because his upside-down perspective is exactly what you need right now. (1) Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. (2) The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up. (3) Hard work pays off in the future, but laziness pays off now.
SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): "Dear Mr. Sensitive Astrologer: Let's get one thing straight. I don't want peace of mind! So stop trying to talk me into going after it! It's impossible to have it on this earth. Got that? And another thing. I don't care about your time-consuming emotional resolution stuff! I'm not interested in chasing after the unrealistic goal of being a nice person. I just want pure, raw, naked success–the kind of glory that makes me feel really proud of my powerful effect on people. That's it! So shape up and start giving me what I want in your little horrorscopes. -Truth-Telling Scorpio." Dear Truthy: I love to help my readers achieve glory that makes them feel proud of their powerful effect on the world. But in my opinion the best way to accomplish that is by cultivating peace of mind, emotional resolution, and kindness. By the way, it's now an excellent time to make great progress in this work.