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Gen-X babydaddies can't live on snark alone—they also require vegetables

Of course, what is guaranteed to middle-class children is constant access to fast food, and fast-food commercials, which is an interesting topic to see documentaries about before you have kids, but another matter entirely once you have them. For instance, did you know that the current generation of children, of which Elijah Pollack is one, is forecast to be the first ever in America to have shorter life expectancies than their parents? If you see any kids on the street today, please know they're expected to live almost five years less than we will, due to childhood obesity and diabetes.

"You see these overweight kids, and it breaks my heart," Pollack told me. "They don't have control over what they eat, and our kids are being poisoned, much more than when we were kids. I think seeing Super Size Me really set something off in us, and now when I think about the Greatest Generation, why they're enduring for so long, they were the last generation to eat a healthy diet. One of the most important things to Regina and me is making sure that Elijah gets a healthy start, and whatever else, that kid loves his vegetables. He eats just pounds of green beans, he continually eats carrots, he will eat an entire bag of frozen organic broccoli—though he eats it frozen—and he's only been sick two days in his life. These kids who are raised on McDonald's, their bodies are going to start giving out, really just failing, in their early 30s. People will say we're food yuppies, which we are, and we spend proportionally more of our income on food [than prior generations], but we figure kids did not ask to be born, so it's our job to make sure that they're set up to deal with the horrible world they're inheriting, this horrible planet in decline. At least Elijah will be able to face the end of the world with strong bone structure. I want to have a kid who could possibly survive Thunderdome!"

If this sounds like the issues in your life, and you want to hear more, report to the Fitzgerald Friday night. "Just tell them there are two funny dudes, one of them [Hodgman] from The Daily Show, and that's probably all you need to tell them," Pollack said. "One of them is Mr. PC from the Apple computer ads, and the other is a sweaty, hairy, balding Jew from L.A. who's not Larry David. It will be a huge, huge draw if you say that about me."

Hooray for anchovies! Neal and Elijah Pollack show their enthusiasm
Aubrey Edwards
Hooray for anchovies! Neal and Elijah Pollack show their enthusiasm

Neal Pollack and John Hodgman will read as part of the Current Fakebook Series this Friday, October 6 at 8:00 p.m., tickets are $15; Fitzgerald Theater, 10 E. Exchange St., St. Paul; 651.290.1221; www.fitzgeraldtheater.org

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