By Jake Rossen
By Jesse Marx
By Michelle LeBow
By Alleen Brown
By Maggie LaMaack
By CP Staff
By Jesse Marx
I've been dating a wonderful guy for four months. He's 41, I'm 37. We enjoy each other's company immensely; we laugh a lot and he fucks like a champ—definitely a keeper. The issues I have with him are manageable, but I don't know how to broach these subjects: He has a dental bridge that looks like it's in serious need of a change. He also uses his floor as his closet and his apartment isn't always tidy. I'm not sure if I'm being judgmental and superficial. I think he'd be even finer than he is if he fixed his teeth and cleaned his house. How do I bring this up without offending him? Should I bring it up? Thanks.
Just That Into Him
Go ahead and bring up the bridge right away, JTIH, as he's probably not all that sensitive about it. More like he, like so many straight men, is just a little oblivious to his personal appearance. And as to the condition of his apartment—the mess, the clothes all over the floor—have you considered picking up after him? Not now, of course, at four months. You're still just dating. But if this gets serious and you move in with him, JTIH, you can solve his cleanliness issues by, you know, cleaning for him.
Shhh. Do you hear that rumbling sound? That's a million angry women and 25 feminist men pounding out angry e-mails to me. "It was extraordinarily sexist of you to suggest that this woman clean up after this man," tap tap tap, blah blah blah. "I had to check the cover of the paper to make sure I wasn't reading Christianity Today! For shame, Mr. Savage!"
I may be extraordinarily sexist, but suggesting that one half of a couple take the lead on housekeeping isn't conclusive proof. This is because my comments aren't motivated by misogyny, but by my own personal experience in long-term relationships—and none of my LTRs have involved any "gyny" for me to "miso" on. Take, for example, my current LTR. My boyfriend does my laundry, shops for me, and cooks for me. I don't expect him to do these things for me because he's a woman. He's not a woman—he's got an absolutely ginormous cock. He does these things because he's good at them, while I'm bad at them—and he actually seems to like taking care of me. I like taking care of him, too: I move things, kill things, and pay for things.
So if my ginormous-cock-having boyfriend can pick up after me, JTIH, I wonder why lovely-vagina-having you can't pick up after your guy? I mean, think about it: If things work out and you fall in love and you move in and get married or whatever, what are you signing up for? The both of you? To take care of each other, right? Well, he clearly needs someone to take care of making dentist appointments and straightening up. What do you need? How will he—how does he—take care of you? Does he cook? Does he fix your car? Does he do your taxes? Does he knit you sweaters? If there's some semblance of balance, if there's cheerful reciprocity, then why not do his damn laundry?
I'm a GGG woman and I'm fat. I don't have a problem with my fatness and neither do the guys I have been with. However, I do have a problem with this: I can find tons of men who want to fuck me, but none who want to date me. All the boys I find are willing to worship me in the confines of the boudoir, but out in public they act like they don't want to be seen with me. I'm not even asking for PDA—I generally dislike PDA—but hanging out and occasionally going out after sexing it up would be grand. Are all fat-girl-loving guys pussies?
No More Dater Haters
Not all, NMDH, but almost all of the young ones.
Until about, oh, age 30 or so, most men aren't secure enough in their own sexualities—and I'm talking about 100 percent heterosexual guys here—to do or say anything that might out themselves to their friends as anything other than "normal." Guys who wanna wear panties or tie up girls or get pissed on can pursue their kinks without having to reveal anything about their sexuality to their friends. So long as they date girls who are either completely discreet or just as fearful of exposure, their secrets are safe. But a guy into fat women isn't so lucky—if he's seen with you in public, NMDH, he's going to have some explaining to do.
This completely pansy-assed fear of not being perceived as "normal" results in many straight men dating, and in some tragic instances marrying, women their friends find attractive—or so they assume—and not women they themselves find attractive. But there's only so long a man can go on boning Nicole Richie when what he really wants is to bone someone your size. Eventually these guys come to the realization that a lifetime of sexual frustration is a high price to pay for "normal" cred.