Savage Love

Hi, I am a 21-year-old female in a loving relationship. My problem is that I never come during sex. My boyfriend gets frustrated and takes it personally. The only time I ever have an orgasm is while using a vibrator or a faucet—it doesn't even happen when I play with myself manually. I don't know why, but I just...don't. I've been told that it's a psychological thing. Also, it could have something to do with my past. I was raised really Christian and for a long time I felt guilty about having lustful thoughts and sexual desires. I feel like something could be wrong with me. Why is it so easy for everyone else? I want to have a healthy sex life, not just while I'm alone but with men. What should I do?

Feeling Unbecoming

While I'm naturally inclined to blame just about any sexual or social dysfunction on a conservative Christian upbringing, FU, I'm afraid that we can't pin your orgasm issues on bible thumpers. Most women—the best estimates put it at 75 percent—can't come from vaginal intercourse alone, and a large number of women can't come from manual stimulation alone either. We've covered this before, but it bears repeating: Lots of women need additional, focused, intense, direct clitoral stimulation—you know, the kind of buzz you get from your vibrator and faucet. It's not a psychological thing, FU, it's a physiological thing, and the sooner you accept that your body needs those extra boosts—and the sooner you incorporate them into your lovemaking—the sooner you'll start coming during sex.

Here's what you do: While your boyfriend fucks you, go at yourself with your vibrator. Show him how you get yourself off. Then once he's seen how it's done, hand him the vibrator and tell him he can be a baby about it and sulk, or be a man about it and get the job done. And if he wants to do it all with his dick, send him to the Couples' Vibrators section of, where he'll find a selection of vibrators he can wear on his cock. You can have a healthy sex life that incorporates vibrators, FU, you just have to make peace with the way your body works.

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