By Jesse Marx
By Chris Parker
By Jake Rossen
By Jesse Marx
By Michelle LeBow
By Alleen Brown
By Maggie LaMaack
By CP Staff
ARIES (March 21-April 19): You will have valid reasons for unleashing vigorous critiques in the coming week. For best results, however, I suggest that you dress them up in fine language. Your complaints will be more likely to have a cathartic effect if you make them witty and even a bit florid. To get in the right mood, spend some time with the Random Shakespeare Insult Generator at http://snipurl.com/q1kk. Here are a few, all lifted from the work of The Bard. (1) "Thou jarring motley-minded pignut!" (2) "Thou cockered beef-witted measle!" (3) "Thou unmuzzled dismal-dreaming scut!"
TAURUS (April 20-May 20): "Before you can do something you must first be something," wrote Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe. That's advice we can all profit from. Most of us have been guilty of trying to skips steps in reaching our goals, hoping to pull off feats we have not yet developed sufficient strength of character to master. For example, there's no way I could have been a good writer at age 19, since I had so little life experience to draw on, hadn't learned how to cultivate my perceptiveness, and didn't have the discipline to sit down and write every day. In the coming week, Taurus, think about whether there's a dream you cherish but have not yet earned the right to achieve. Then decide what you'll have to do to become more worthy.
GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Every year the National Grocers Association stages its own version of the Oscars. Among the honors it bestows is an award for Best Bagger. It goes to the person who displays the most élan while efficiently and speedily filling grocery bags with buyers' purchases. The social status accorded the winner may pale in comparison to, say, Hollywood's best film actress or baseball's most valuable player, but personally I'm just as impressed with it. In fact, I think everyone in the world should be the recipient of a prize that commemorates the one thing they do better than anyone else. It happens to be an excellent time for you to go after the unique trophy you deserve, Gemini. If no organization gives it to you, make it or buy it yourself.
CANCER (June 21-July 22): During a solar eclipse, members of some indigenous tribes in South America used to shoot burning arrows toward the heavens in the belief that they would scare away the demon that was devouring the sun. I recommend that you try this, if only in your imagination. No, there won't be an actual eclipse happening in the literal sky in the coming week. But something like that has been going on in your psyche. It's time to fight back with burning arrows.
LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): According to conventional measures of success, filmmaker M. Night Shyamalan is a successful man. His movie The Sixth Sense is one of the top 25 money-makers in history, and three of his other films have grossed more than $200 million apiece worldwide. And yet he places a supreme value on reverie. "My life is about finding time to dream," he has said. I urge you to make that your motto, Leo. The progress of your most practical ambitions later in 2006 will depend on whether or not you spend the next few weeks tapping into information that's available through fantasies, meditations, dreams, and other altered states.
VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): "The chief danger in life is that you may take too many precautions," wrote pioneer psychologist Alfred Adler. If you have inflicted that danger on yourself too often in the past, Virgo, the coming weeks will be an excellent time to make amends. According to my analysis of the astrological omens, a series of really smart risks is lining up to greet you. May you approach them with just the right blend of daring and discernment.
LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Ancient Greeks called apricot juice the nectar of the gods. For centuries, Europeans regarded apricots as aphrodisiacs and symbols of fertility. According to old English folk tales, to dream of apricots portends good fortune. In the 21st century, however, demand for the fruit is waning. Since 1994, production has diminished by almost 50 percent in California, which grows most of America's crop. Is there one of your skills or products whose situation resembles the apricot's, Libra? Some fine offering you were born to provide but that the culture seems to be losing its need for? If so, meditate on whether it's time to revise your relationship with it –perhaps by reinventing or repackaging it.
SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Most modern religions propose that we need intermediaries –priests, priestesses, rabbis, imams, monks –to get connected to the divine source. In contrast, many ancient Gnostics believed that every person could be in charge of creating his or her own link to spirit. Indeed, anyone might contribute fresh insights and revelations to the body of ever-evolving spiritual truths. The equivalent today would be if the Bible were regarded as an unfinished text to which every Christian or Jew could add new content. This is a perfect astrological moment for you to try out this perspective, Scorpio: the do-it-yourself approach to creating your own religion. You now have the power to be your own priest, priestess, rabbi, imam, or monk.