By Jake Rossen
By Jesse Marx
By Michelle LeBow
By Alleen Brown
By Maggie LaMaack
By CP Staff
By Jesse Marx
I'm a straight guy, 17-and-a-half. I have a Catholic Christian girlfriend and we've been going out for more than four months now. She is still a virgin. I've been patient and have been waiting for her to be okay with the idea of sex through the whole relationship, but there's been almost no advancement or anything. I've tried to make sure that I'm not pressuring her into anything, but after being at a sexual stalemate for months, it's starting to get a little old. Should I just keep waiting? Am I expecting too much? Please help.
First off, CA, no one who gives his age as "whatever-and-a-half" is mature enough to be having sex himself, much less sitting in judgment over someone else's decision not to have sex. If a good-looking guy told me he was "27-and-a-half," CA, I wouldn't fuck him until after he produced some ID proving he wasn't actually a 12-year-old with a glandular problem. Once a dude has hair on his balls, CA, he's supposed to drop the "and-a-half" thing.
On to your Catholic Christian girlfriend: It's too bad there aren't any Catholic Zoroastrians where you live—those bitches really put out! But Catholic Christian girls are made of more virtuous stuff, and if this one has managed to resist your manifest charms for four long months, nothing I write here will inspire her to lose her virginity with you. I'm sorry, CA, but this sounds like a lost cause… unless…
Have you considered asking your girlfriend to take a virginity pledge? It sounds crazy, I know, and you want her to fuck you now, while you're still 17-and-a-half, not save herself for marriage! But a Harvard report claims that half of all teenagers who pledge to remain virgins until they marry give up the pledges within a year. Harvard researchers analyzed data from a National Institute of Child Health and Development study of about 14,000 virginity pledgers interviewed in 1995 and again in 1996 and 2001. "They ranged in age from 12 to 18," reports the Chicago Tribune, "[Researchers] found that 52 percent of those who said they had signed virginity pledges had recanted those pledges within a year."
Convince your girlfriend to take a virginity pledge, CA, and you'll have a 50-50 chance of getting into her pants. You may have to wait a whole year, CA, but you can always mess around with one of those cheap and easy Catholic Scientologists while you wait.
I am a gay student at the University of Iowa and there's this one guy that I see as we pass each other on our way to and from classes. One day he caught me staring, which was fine, except that he seemed to take my stare as an "OMG, there's a handicapped person in a wheelchair!" He gave me a "fuck you" grimace. I wanted to scream, "No, it's not that! I think you're hot!" But I'm not sure if he is gay. I have horrible gaydar, which has caused me to chase after straight guys and kept me nice and virginal.
Every subsequent time seeing him has been a little better (we're up to friendly nods), but I don't know how to go up to him and engage him in a conversation that would let him know that I am interested in him and not some weird Christian trying to make him feel accepted so he'll join my bible-study group.
Waiting To Roll
I'm sure the guy in the wheelchair will be relieved to know that you're not some weird Christian who wants him to join your bible-study group, but instead a nice, normal gay boy who wants to pull him out of his chair and fuck the living shit out of him right there on the quad. That should come as a relief.
Look, WTR, you're going to have to grow a set. You've gone from stare-and-glare to nodding, but you're not going to get anywhere else if you don't have the balls to walk up to him and introduce yourself.
STRAIGHT RIGHTS UPDATE: I've been running around with my hair on fire trying to convince my straight readers that religious conservatives don't just hate homos. Their attacks on gay people, relationships, parents, and sex get all the press, but the American Taliban has an anti-straight-rights agenda too. As I wrote on March 23: "The GOP's message to straight Americans: If you have sex, we want it to fuck up your lives as much as possible. No birth control, no emergency contraception, no abortion services, no lifesaving vaccines. If you get pregnant, tough shit. You're going to have those babies, ladies, and you're going to make those child-support payments, gentlemen. And if you get HPV and it leads to cervical cancer, well, that's too bad. Have a nice funeral, slut."
After raising the alarm for months back here in the sex ads section, I was intensely gratified to read Russell Shorto's brilliant cover story, "The War on Contraception," in the New York Times Magazine last weekend. To readers who think I'm being hysterical: So you don't think the religious right would seriously go after birth control? Fine, don't believe me. But maybe you'll believe Shorto when he lays out the American Taliban's plan to deny access to birth control—any and all types, folks, not just emergency contraception.