By Jesse Marx
By Chris Parker
By Jake Rossen
By Jesse Marx
By Michelle LeBow
By Alleen Brown
By Maggie LaMaack
By CP Staff
￼ SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): "I always advise people never to give advice," said P.G. Wodehouse. Having seen the wisdom of his counsel, I will from now on fill your horoscopes with poetic and philosophical ruminations about your destiny, but I will never again give advice. There are enough people in this world telling you what you should do. I pledge to make this space your sanctuary. APRIL FOOL! The truth is, dispensing advice is in my genes. For me to repress it would be like asking Howard Stern to stop being vulgar. Now here's my advice for you: Identify a natural talent that you were born to express. Then take one practical step to bring it into a fuller flowering.
￼ CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): The still, small voice within you usually just provides you vague platitudes about how to be a better citizen. But in the coming days, it will offer you truly useful information that could help you become richer, sexier, more popular, and more powerful. It may even give you the winning numbers of the lottery. Make damn sure you tune in. APRIL FOOL! The still, small voice within you does not just provide vague platitudes about how to be a better citizen. If you believe that, you're listening to the wrong still, small voice. In fact, the real one is always overflowing with extremely practical information about how to run your day-to-day life in a way that's fun and meaningful. Listen harder and faster than usual, please.
￼ AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): This would be an excellent week to profit by spreading deception and misinformation, Aquarius. Your skills as a liar are at a peak. The more falsehoods you concoct, the more successful you will be. APRIL FOOL! It's true that you could achieve illusory progress with the help of deceit. But that progress would soon lead you into a morass that would sap your energy. Besides, the ironic fact of the matter is that you now have the capacity to tell the truth with more clarity and gusto than you ever have before. To take advantage of that potential will bring you surprising rewards in the long run, even if they may require short-term sacrifices.
￼ PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): It's high time for you to spend more money, Pisces. You're lagging way behind in your purchase of the goods and services you desperately need. Not only that: You've been lax in getting yourself the profound healing that can only come from shopping therapy. Get out there and splurge! Your role model is the Pentagon, which shells out an average of $8,612 per second. APRIL FOOL! I was just kidding. The truth is that it makes sense for you to spend more money on only one thing: experiences that will help you get better at performing a beloved skill that will fuel many future adventures.